Spurious News: Commanders respond to name change demand by changing mascots!

ASHBURN, VA (Spurious News Network) — In 2019 the National Football League team that represents our nation’s capital played under the moniker of a racial slur. In 2020 they became the Washington Football Team. In 2022 the team embraced one of the city’s biggest industries, the military, and became the Washington Commanders. Needless to say, King Donald Trump hates the name and has threatened to stop construction of a new Commanders stadium in the capital if they don’t change the name back to the racial slur - a threat he doesn’t have the power to enforce.

Today, Commanders head coach Dan Quinn unveiled the Commanders’ response to King Donald.

“Ever since we became the Commanders, our mascot has been Major Tuddy,” said Coach Quinn. “He’s a cute pig in honor of the Hogs O-lines of the Eighties and Nineties, and ‘Tuddy’ is another way to abbreviate ‘touchdown.’ Our younger fans just love him. Sadly, kids, Major Tuddy is being deployed to go to war against bad football so we need a new mascot, and that mascot will be Major Jeffrey.”

Major Jeffrey is a 12-foot-high replica of child molester, pimp and Trump best friend Jeffrey Epstein. He is dressed in a burgundy business suit with gold lapels, and he wears an army helmet with “Fuck Trump” spelled out in Morse code on one side and “our president’s a chomo” on the other.

“Some people asked us if we thought writing ‘fuck Trump’ on Major Jeffrey’s helmet might influence Today’s Impressionable Youth to start saying that phrase,’ said Coach Quinn. “Since they were already saying it, we’ll say that it hasn’t changed a thing.”

The Commanders have also introduced a new theme song. It is illegal to broadcast on national television due to its extreme obscenity. “Oh man, this thing is foul,” said Coach Quinn. “We can’t even play it as an instrumental, it’s so bad.”