General Discussion

Coventina

(28,738 posts) Thu Sep 4, 2025, 10:35 PM Sep 4

I am so happy that I, and so many other women are able to

tell our truths about being abused, molested, attacked, raped, and otherwise sexually assaulted.

It truly is a huge step forward in our society that we can actually come forward and tell our stories and be recognized for the pain and torment that we've suffered in silence for so many years.

But (and this is a HUGE but!) I want to make two additional points to men who read these stories, because I think a few crucial points about these stories often gets lost, because the patriarchy is STILL protecting itself in various insidious ways.

1. If you are a man and think you do not know any of these women you are WRONG! Because of the shaming and blaming of women for their attacks, the vast majority of sex crimes STILL go unreported. Not to mention how many were never reported in previous generations. You know rape victims. You know assault victims. Do not kid yourself that it is not true. My dad STILL TO THIS DAY does not know his wife, my mother, was raped as a college student. My sister and I keep this secret by our mother's request. These crimes happened and are happening to your mothers, wives, daughters. Don't think that you know everything. You don't.

2. STOP BLAMING WOMEN FOR BEING ASSAULTED! You might think you don't, but I'll give an example that happened here on DU: On another thread where we talked about being sexually assaulted by men close to us (friends, relatives, boyfriends), I related how a co-worker tried to rape me at a party. Keep in mind that my co-worker story isn't nearly as horrifying as some of the other stories on the thread that discussed rapes by brothers, fathers, uncles, grandfathers, etc.
A DUer told me that "women should carry guns." Can you please understand how fucked up that is?
It's not that "gee, men shouldn't rape family, friends and co-workers!" No, it was, I should buy a gun, spend hours training with it, carry it with me at all times, even places where I should be "safe," and be prepared to shoot and possibly kill a family member, friend, co-worker, and deal with all the legal and emotional fallout that would ensue.

MEN!!! YES YOU WITH THE Y CHROMOSOME! You need to do better! YOU!! NEED!! TO!!! DO!! BETTER!!

On edit: The DU thread I'm referencing was quite some time ago, I doubt it's searchable.

9 replies

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Highlight:

I am so happy that I, and so many other women are able to (Original Post) Coventina Sep 4 OP

1000 recs. Diamond_Dog Sep 4 #1

K&R Bayard Sep 4 #2

KNR plus several gazillion. niyad Sep 5 #3

It's so callous and victim blaming! Coventina Sep 5 #4

"gee, men shouldn't rape family, friends and co-workers!" Jack Valentino Sep 5 #5

My wife, her mother, her grandmother and our eldest daughter were all raped, speak easy Sep 5 #6

Point 2 happened in at least one thread today. Ms. Toad Sep 5 #7

That was probably my post to which you are referring. And I thank you niyad Sep 5 #8

K n R Faux pas Sep 5 #9

Diamond_Dog

(38,556 posts)

1. 1000 recs.

Reply to Coventina (Original post)

Thu Sep 4, 2025, 10:46 PM

Sep 4

Bayard

(27,084 posts)

2. K&R

Reply to Coventina (Original post)

Thu Sep 4, 2025, 11:35 PM

Sep 4

niyad

(127,435 posts)

3. KNR plus several gazillion.

Reply to Coventina (Original post)

Fri Sep 5, 2025, 12:52 AM

Sep 5

Sadly, there was another "women should carry guns response post here fairly recently. Very depressing.

Coventina

(28,738 posts)

4. It's so callous and victim blaming!

Reply to niyad (Reply #3)

Fri Sep 5, 2025, 01:14 AM

Sep 5

Not to mention extremely childish thinking.

If women really were shooting all the men that attempt to sexually assault them, the result would be that women would lose the right to own guns.
The men would NEVER be seen as the problem.

Gah! It's just so incredibly frustrating!!

Jack Valentino

(3,330 posts)

5. "gee, men shouldn't rape family, friends and co-workers!"

Reply to Coventina (Original post)

Fri Sep 5, 2025, 01:39 AM

Sep 5

and if they do, they should expect to be shot for it!

You both have a point, but you shouldn't have to shoot some errant male
and have to deal with the emotional fallout afterwards, I agree with you there...

speak easy

(12,387 posts)

6. My wife, her mother, her grandmother and our eldest daughter were all raped,

Reply to Coventina (Original post)

Fri Sep 5, 2025, 01:49 AM

Sep 5

and some of the rapes were done by my wife's father. His wife kept quiet, pretending that terrible child abuse was not happening under her roof.

How can I do better? By not keeping quiet; By listening to stories that I have heard many times before; By speaking up in public, with colleagues and friends, and anyone raising the 'topic'. I get angry when I hear jokes or derogatory comments about victims, but I do my best.

Ms. Toad

(37,710 posts)

7. Point 2 happened in at least one thread today.

Reply to Coventina (Original post)

Fri Sep 5, 2025, 01:51 AM

Sep 5

Not quite as blatantly - but as a rape survivor, and someone who spent a decades as as peer advocate in a rape crisis center, even subtle, unconscious, victim blaming jumps out at me.

Someone expressed the hope that as rape survivor left the rapist bloodied or worse. I know the conscious intent was an expression of anger at the rapist - but the only way for the rapist to be bloodied or worse is for the survivor to have fought back, so the statement also suggests the survivor should have fought back.

The blame the victim dynamic is so ingrained that it comes out in a lot of both blatant and very subtle ways. And, in my experience, it is as common, or more, in women. If we view the survivor as somehow different - or asking for it - subconsciously it makes us feel as if it won't happen to us because we would never do what that woman did.