WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Appearing on Fox News Channel Monday night, Donald J. Trump said he was “furious” that an appeals court was forcing him to pay “all my hard-earned bribes” to the writer E. Jean Carroll.

“For the last eight months, I’ve been working my ass off, shaking down universities, law firms, and media companies,” he told Sean Hannity. “And now I’m supposed to hand over all of those bribes to this lady, who hasn’t bribed a single person in her life?”

”This should never be allowed to happen in this country,” he added.

Turning to another controversy, Trump claimed he “could never have drawn” the just-released Epstein picture due to hand spurs.