Spurious News: Verdict in sandwich-throwing case revealed in full

WASHINGTON (Spurious News Network) -- This afternoon Sean Dunn, the man who threw a submarine sandwich at a Customs and Border Protection officer on August 10, 2025, was acquitted of assault. The Spurious News Network Washington Bureau has received a transcript of the verdict, which we publish in full.

"This case revolves around the most important question of our time: Shall throwing a sandwich at a cop constitute an act of a-salt? I find that it does not.

"The United States Government spent a lot of bread to try this case for no real reason whatsoever. The crime of assault requires that the act be intended to harm the assaulted person. It is difficult to imagine a scenario where a sandwich, regardless of size and whether thrown or eaten, would harm the person it came in contact with. In fact, I never sausage a miscarriage of justice as the instant case presents.

"Lettuce examine the meat of the instant case to see whether the argument that it should have been prosecuted cuts the mustard. The defendant, Mr. Dunn, observed agents of United States Customs and Border Protection (CBP) acting in a manner he believed was unacceptable. To stop the act, he threw the sandwich he was already carrying at one of the officers. It could be argued that premeditation could be charged if he had stopped at Subway to buy a sandwich specifically for throwing at the police; however, this did not happen. Rather, he threw a sandwich already in his possession at the officers, striking one of them.

"This court contacted the Mayo Clinic to ask them if a submarine sandwich could cause harm to someone. They said that it could, but only if you ate four or five of them every day for at least 10 years. When informed the sandwich in question was used as a projectile they said they couldn't imagine a scenario where that would happen. The physician answering the question had plenty of pepper in her voice when she asked our clerk the saucy question that turned the tides of this case: 'Have you gone out of your fucking mind? Who comes up with this shit?'

"While this court is still trying to ketchup to the reality that the turkeys and hams at President Trump's Justice Department will charge people for acts that would have seemed like normal human interaction back when we had a real president, I find this case to be cheesy in the extreme and, because that's not prosecutable, I hereby dismiss the action."