Spurious News: Trump finally gets things named after him!

PALM BEACH, FLA (Spurious News Network) -- King Donald Trump, doing business as the president of the United States, today called a press conference to announce that ten cities had agreed to place his name on buildings in their jurisdictions.

"These are the finest cities in America. They have agreed that my name deserves to live on into eternity, and are naming buildings for me to make that happen."

Spurious News Network has received a list of the cities and the structures that will be named for King Donald. They are:

KENANSVILLE, N.C.: "The Town of Kenansville, seat of America's number-one pork producing county, is pleased to announce that the county hog lagoon complex, capacity 15 million gallons, will henceforth be known as the Donald J. Trump Hog Lagoons," said Kenansville Mayor Stephen Williamson Jr. "The contents of these lagoons will forever remind us of the great things he did for Kenansville and Duplin County."

ROCHESTER, MINN.: According to Democratic Mayor Kim Norton, "The Mayo Clinic, the world's finest hospital, has agreed to construct a laboratory devoted to the study of total anencephaly and to name it the Donald J. Trump Anencephaly Research Center. Anencephaly is a condition where the fetus develops in the womb without growing brain tissue. While children with this condition are generally stillborn, that fat fuck has made it 78 years without one grain of brain and the best doctors in the world want to know how the hell that happened."

HANFORD, WASH.: A spokesperson for the Hanford Nuclear Reservation has informed Spurious News Network that they have named the reservation's high-level nuclear waste repository for King Donald, but denied further comment.

BOSTON, MASS.: Mayor Michelle Wu states that the public restroom in Boston's Malcolm X Park has been named for Trump because "City Council President (Ruthzee) Louijeune says that's the last fuckin' thing in town Trump would want named after him, so it was the only logical choice."

NEW YORK CITY: The fish-guts disposal building at New York's fabled Fulton Fish Market has been rechristened the Donald J. Trump Entrail Processing Facility. A spokesperson for the Market explained that Trump is the only thing on the face of the planet that stinks worse than the inside of this building on a hot summer day.

HUNTSVILLE, ALA.: NASA's Marshall Space Flight Center has named a 5000-gallon tank of chlorine trifluoride, a chemical made famous by Derek Lowe's online essay "Sand Won't Save You This Time," for Trump. The tank is behind eight rows of chainlink fencing. "Chlorine trifluoride will set anything on fire, including things that can't be set on fire any other way," said a NASA spokesperson. "This shit's the Donald Trump of the chemical world. This tank has been here since the 1950s, back when they thought rockets that spewed exhaust made up of hydrochloric and hydrofluoric acids were a good idea - trust me, they're anything but. No hazmat disposal company will touch it at any price. We have no idea in hell how to deal with this, which also sounds Trumpy."

BILLINGS, MONT.: The new Billings Social Disease Clinic has been christened the Donald J. Trump South Central Montana Venereal Disease Control Center. As clinic director Dr. Jacob Gray says, "who else would you name it after?"

LIBBY, MONT.: The former W.R. Grace vermiculite mine, America's largest producer of mesothelioma-causing white asbestos, is now the Donald J. Trump Asbestos Mine. According to Peggy Williams, mayor of Libby, "I called him up and told him we'd named the closed vermiculite mine after him. He was as pleased as he could be. Then the bastard asked when we were going to put it back in production because asbestos is such a great material and he wanted to make asbestos great again. Fucking cell phones...I tried to slam the goddamn phone down in his ear but cell phones won't let you do that."

BREMERTON, WASH.: The United States Navy has renamed its hazardous waste dump for Trump. "You name it and it's in here," said Ensign Peter Hardy, the most junior officer on base. "We have lead, arsenic, asbestos, creosote, Agent Orange, we have every hazardous chemical the Navy has ever used right here in barrels and most of it's so unstable it can't be processed. You remember that scene in Robocop where Emil got splashed with hazardous waste and instantly turned into a monster? Or the scene in Batman where Jack Napier fell into a vat of something pea green and turned into Joker? We have chemicals here that make those ones look eco-friendly. If you need to name something after Trump, this is it."

SAN FRANCISCO: The entire Tenderloin district will be renamed for King Donald on Friday, November 14. According to the San Francisco Police Department, "the only way we're ever going to clean up the Tenderloin is to get everyone in it to leave. No one in this city wants to live in 'Trumpland,' so that's what we're calling it."