EPA To Monarch Butterflies: 'Count Your Fucking Days'

Vow Made To Hunt Down ‘Every Last One Of Those Shits’



WASHINGTON—Amid a series of sudden actions overhauling landmark federal conservation regulations, the Environmental Protection Agency issued a public statement Friday warning monarch butterflies to “count your fucking days.”

EPA officials confirmed plans to roll back dozens of environmental protections for the vulnerable insect population, vowing to introduce new standards for decimating monarch habitats and saying they would take particular joy in dismantling rules that safeguard those “smug, spotted fucks.”

“Savor that nectar now, you sniveling moth pricks, because under this administration, you little shits are living on borrowed time,” said EPA administrator Lee Zeldin, who angrily raised a fist while insisting that the end was near for Danaus plexippus. “Let that be a warning to any of you fluttery dicks thinking of migrating back to the United States next year—there’s a target on your stupid orange wings, and I put it there.”

“If I catch even one of you outside your chrysalis,” he added, “you’re in for a world of pain.”

Zeldin expressed optimism that easing environmental regulations on the agriculture, energy, and manufacturing sectors would have a negative effect on the “brightly hued bastards” for generations to come. The agency chief said specific steps were being taken to introduce natural predators such as black-backed orioles, robber flies, and solitary wasps to locations where “showboating” monarchs maintain a high survival rate. In addition, he revealed plans to direct any remaining agency funding to the cultivation of parasitic infections to bring swift annihilation to the “unbearable, ornate assholes.”

https://theonion.com/epa-to-monarch-butterflies-count-your-fucking-days/