Please bookmark this post, in case you can use it later, God forbid
Someone who's advice I respect greatly suggested I write about my journey to and through my quadruple bypass surgery last February 21, 2025.
One of the things we struggle with as people, is how to handle things that impact our mortality. It is such a natural thing to avoid facing something when its presence is right in front of us and in most cases, screaming for attention.
I consider myself the recipient of numerous miracles as there is no way I should be writing this post, much less any that I've written in the last 2 years.
I had multiple instances of mild chest pain that I poo-pood as anxiety before, during, and after my last back surgery in April, 2024. A a matter of fact, it was only a last second comment during my August, 2024 six month check up with my primary Dr. as I mentioned the occasional discomfort I was feeling in my chest.
My Dr. said let's be on the cautious side and get you a stress test just to be safe. One thing led to another, and I ended up under the knife 6 months later.
There are 3 things I want to address in this post.
1. If I had continued to ignore my symptoms, however mild they may have seemed, I wouldn't have made it to the end of the year. Being properly diagnosed early enough, prevented permanent damage to my heart and created the best possible situation for a positive outcome.
Please listen to your body and what it's telling you, and if it's not normal, please get it checked out. One of the most self destructive things we can do to ourselves is "diagnosing" ourselves. Chest pain, headaches, abdominal pains, lumps and other symptoms are never as simple as a sprained ankle. I'm not trying to scare you, just trying to remind you that there's a difference between our normal aches and pains and these, And we usually know they're different.
2. I really really struggled to feel I deserved a positive outcome. It is this state of mind that I feel almost killed me because If my life isn't worth living, it's not worth healing.
As my surgery approached, I didn't in any way shape or form feel deserving of all the outpouring of love I received here, much less to get a second chance at living while so many who deserved it so much more than me, died. One of the great lessons that was reinforced time and again in this process for me was that I am not the true purveyor of my worth in this world. It was and continues to be a real struggle to accept and acknowledge that my worth is kind of like beauty. It is in the eye of the beholder.
We're not very good at sharing that which we appreciate in others with them in a meaningful and poignant way, in a way that might register. Please trust in two absolute truths about you: Someone values things about you that you've never even noticed, and you impact people near you in ways you can't yet recognize. They are not the same thing lol.
3. There isn't a single step of this journey that you are required to take alone! I found this out purely by chance as during so many quiet moments, whether reflective, anxious, or in peace, your voices came to me again and again. So many words of wisdom, comforting words, hopeful words, affirming words, loving words. I am still so eternally grateful for the suggestion that I say a prayer of thanks right before I went under for the surgery. All I can attest to is that that gratitude flowed from me every minute I was in that hospital except the first hour that I was awake. That first hour awake after the surgery was profound, as I again struggled with believing I deserved to live.
My sister Jill and dear friend Tracy were there when I woke up and they helped calm me.
Each of us have had and of course will have life defining segments of our life's journey, and unfortunately, health related segments are usually the ones we can't control much.
Please trust that no matter your faith, no matter your spiritual place in life, if you allow it, the people you need to hear from the most, who help you the most, who love you the most, will find you. You may not know their names yet, but you will.
It is this last sentence that matters the most to me. I believe that a higher power brought so many of you to me in my moment of need, healing me with your love, kindness and energy. I can't tell you how critically important you all were and continue to be in my life. I am not talking about the GoFundMe at all here.
That so many of you held my hand for this step or that, through this dark time or that, and, most importantly, through each wonderful moment that I could share and celebrate TOGETHER with you, instead of alone, is why I have described to anyone who has cared to listen all this time, these events as miracles in my life. Hundreds of them in this timeframe, HUNDREDS, and they all have a name. YOU!
Please know in your heart that there is no journey that your are sentenced to travel alone, there is no experience in your life that isn't worth sharing AND celebrating, together. Whenever I look back on the most difficult moments in my life, I think of the Footprints In The Sand poem with my understanding of it being that it was You that carried me, it was Your grace, Your love that helped me to the other side of this trial in my life, just like in hindsight, You've done so many times before, for all those You love, not just me.
I hope you find this post useful and find some part of it applicable in your life.
Written in Gratitude and Love, John Mckusick
= new reply since forum marked as read
First post I saw when I fired up my computer was this one.
I thought I was nowhere near the point where I needed to think about these things, but I suppose better now than later. I hate a bad surprise, and unfinished things would qualify.
*hugs*
I'd love to wake up to one of those every day.
I hope all is well with you in your recovery.
Take care of yourself 
You have value John. Never forget that.
John Mckusick, you are a treasure and one of the many reasons that I love DU!
