Spurious News: Trump to declare himself royalty in speech on Iran!

PALM BEACH, FLA (Spurious News Network) -- King Donald Trump is scheduled to present an update on the illegal Iran War to the nation on television Wednesday night. Sources say he has other plans.

"He's decided to officially become king," said a White House employee who spoke under condition of anonymity. "His title will be 'His Excellency President for Life, Field Marshal Doctor Donald John Trump, VC, DSO, MC, CBE, CMOH, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea, and Conqueror of the World in General and the United States in Particular.' Before you ask, yes, he's decided to become The White Idi Amin."

Members of Trump's inner circle are panicking. Said Lori Chavez-DeRemer, Trump's Secretary of Labor, "he's already ordered a guillotine. He told us we're going to be the first ones put in it if we didn't call him 'Your Majesty' with the 'proper level of respect.' None of us want to, but we're faking it to save our lives."

Doug Burgum, Trump's Secretary of the Interior, says he plans to accelerate his goal to turn America into what the president calls 'Trumpland.' "He wants every national park renamed 'Donald Trump National Park' without territorial expansion. There are sixty-three national parks. How are Americans supposed to tell the difference between the Donald Trump National Park in California, which is now called Yosemite National Park, and the one in Wyoming, which is currently called Yellowstone?"

Contingency plans have been created if he carries through. "We got a call from a source inside the White House that this might happen," said Olivia Nieves, LMHC, Clinical Director of Boca Raton, Fla's Kandela Recovery Center, the closest mental health treatment facility to Trump's house in Palm Beach. "We will have an ambulance, a straitjacket in his size, three cargo straps we bought from a truck stop, four paramedics, a dozen US Marshals, fifteen officers from the Secret Service Protective Division and the Miami Dolphins' defensive unit on standby in front of his home at the Mar-a-Lago Club tonight. If he declares himself king, we'll bring him here and give him the help he needs!"