The Big Beautiful Obituary:
Billions of people around the world rejoiced today as Donald J. Trump died after a lengthy period of suffering that he inflicted upon humanity. He departed the world of the living and returned to Hell, from whence he came, enabling the rest of the world to enter into peace.
Trump's corruption, incompetence, and malevolence were legendary. He will be remembered as the worst President of the United States of America ever, and the only President with four criminal indictments and two impeachments. He was deserving of many more indictments and impeachments, but a broken system of government allowed Trump to go unpunished his entire life. Throughout his tyrannical, treasonous misrule, Trump prioritized self-enrichment, self-aggrandizement, fealty to Russian dictator Vladimir Putin, the persecution of minorities, and the looting of national treasure.
Prior to becoming President, Trump was a failed businessman who pretended to be a successful businessman on television. Trump was a profoundly stupid man who managed to bankrupt casinos and go bankrupt multiple times despite being born a rich, over-privileged “nepo baby”. Trump is survived by a large family of shameless, grifting morons including his slutty, mail-order wife Melania, and his obnoxious, degenerate children.
Trump was a pedophile, a rapist, a career criminal, a confidence man, a serial adulterer, a drug abuser, a pathological liar, a white supremacist, a misogynist, anti-intellectual, homophobic, Islamophobic, and Xenophobic. Donald Trump was a petty, hateful man with no redeeming qualities. He was completely lacking in taste, decency, empathy, virtue, wisdom, and common sense, and was the embodiment of all seven deadly sins. However, Trump possessed a strange, inexplicable charisma, much like Adolph Hitler and Charles Manson, enabling him to become a highly successful cult leader, grifter, and Autocrat.
Trump was mentored by his slumlord Klansman father Frederick Trump Sr., red-baiting attorney Roy Cohn, and hypocritical bible-thumper Norman Vincent Peale, some of the worst human beings who ever lived aside from Donald Trump himself.
Trump was diagnosed with a psychiatric condition known as “Malignant Narcissism”, the worst possible type of personality disorder combining elements of grandiosity, entitlement, paranoia, sadism, and psychopathy. He also developed severe dementia at the end of his life, which served to worsen his already horrendous personality.
Trump played a key role in destroying democracy and the rule of law in the United States of America. His cruel, senseless policies and wars of aggression triggered world-wide economic catastrophe and impoverishment. Trump caused untold misery, destruction, and the deaths of millions of people around the globe. His legacy is the destruction of America's power and reputation, perhaps irreparably. His body will be disposed of secretly to avoid grave site desecration and to prevent the forces of evil from regrouping around his wretched memory. Family of the deceased requests that large donations to The Trump Organization be sent in lieu of flowers.
World-wide celebrations are expected to continue for weeks despite reported shortages of Champagne, fireworks, and confetti.
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