WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Claiming that it “has to be some kind of record,” on Monday Donald J. Trump boasted about the “enormous” crowd size at his medical appointments.

“There were so many doctors at my last physical, there wasn’t room for them all,” he bragged. “They never turned out like that for Obama.”

He said that he was considering demolishing Walter Reed National Military Medical Center because “I’m going to need a bigger hospital.”

Basking in his ability to draw such a huge crowd, Trump noted, “I haven’t had so many people touching me since Epstein’s island.”

According to estimates, the turnout at Trump’s most recent physical was far bigger than at his Great American State Fair.