'Take Us To Your Biggest Pedophile' Demand Surprisingly Politically Informed Aliens

Published: July 2, 2026 SATIRE

WASHINGTON—Displaying an uncanny comprehension of humanity’s power structures as they emerged from their interstellar spacecraft, a delegation of surprisingly politically informed aliens issued demands Tuesday to be taken to Earth’s biggest pedophile. “People of Earth, you will bring us before the massive child molester in charge of managing your planet’s affairs at once!” said Grelahr Xoxneb of the Galgax Nebula, who added that through years of studying radio and television broadcasts, he and his fellow aliens had familiarized themselves with the human custom of appointing the most prolific child sex offenders to positions of authority.

“We understand that your people are ruled by those who have proven themselves most adept at preying upon the young of your species. You will therefore grant us audience with whoever among you has engaged in the greatest sexual abuse of minors, that he might negotiate your planet’s terms of surrender. And do not insult us by bringing us to a mere co-conspirator of your supreme molester! We obliterated the last planet who bade us speak to their equivalent of the one you call Dershowitz.” At press time, security analysts expressed suspicion that talks with the aliens had failed after Mar-a-Lago was vaporized in a burst of green light.

https://theonion.com/take-us-to-your-biggest-pedophile-demand-surprisingly-politically-informed-aliens/