Public Begs Mitch McConnell To Stop Releasing Photos Of Himself

Published: July 16, 2026

SATIRE

WASHINGTON—In an emotional press conference driven by fear and desperation, the American public begged Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) on Thursday to stop releasing photos of himself. “If you’re listening, Sen. McConnell, please—we’ve had enough,” said a spokesperson for 340 million Americans across the country, who emphasized that they didn’t want to see the Republican lawmaker from a different angle, and they didn’t want any videos, either.

“It’s okay if you’re alive. It’s okay if you’re dead. We’d rather just embrace the mystery, do you hear us? If we want another photo of you, we’ll ask, though that’s unlikely to happen. Also, please, no photos of your wife.” At press time, the American public had suggested that the office of Mitch McConnell release some photos of the delightful Shawn Hatosy as Dr. Jack Abbot.

https://theonion.com/public-begs-mitch-mcconnell-to-stop-releasing-photos-of-himself/