WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a bombshell report issued Monday, the Department of Justice said it has identified a man in a decades-old photograph of Jeffrey Epstein as former President Joe Biden.

The emergence of the Epstein-Biden photo has compelled the DOJ to open “a thorough investigation” into the ties between the two men, a Justice spokesperson said.

At the White House, Donald J. Trump said that the Epstein photo proved “Joe Biden’s crimes are even worse than Hunter’s.”

Asked whether he was confident in the accuracy of the DOJ’s identification of Biden, Trump said, “Come on—Pam Bondi’s on the case.”