DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA (The Borowitz Report)—The mayor of Washington DC suggested on Monday that the best way for Donald J. Trump to empty the streets of the nation’s capital would be to throw himself another birthday parade.

“You want to see people clear out?” Muriel Bowser said to reporters. “Get a bunch of those squeaky old tanks rolling down the streets and you won’t see anyone for miles.”

“Not to take anything away from the National Guard,” she aded. “But in terms of getting people to vanish, nothing in history has come close to President Trump’s parade.”

At the White House, press secretary Karoline Leavitt blasted the mayor’s plan, arguing, “Far from making people leave the city, a birthday parade would only make them fall asleep, like Melania.”