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LuckyCharms

(20,346 posts)
Mon Jul 14, 2025, 10:47 PM Monday

I had a friend.

He tried to hang himself.

He fucked it up, and was not successful.

He phoned me in such a state that I could not understand him. Uncontrollable sobbing.

He managed to tell me about his failed suicide attempt, and that he was calling me to say goodbye because he was getting ready to try it again. He figured out what he did wrong during his failed attempt. His phone call was was his cry for help.

He lives on another coast from me. We talked, maybe 5 or 6 hours. I wouldn't let him get off the phone. We got through his crisis together.

He subsequently told me that I saved his life, and he would never forget it. I've never felt so proud.

He then unceremoniously cut contact with me. I still love him though. He's still alive too.

I had a friend of 60 years whose alcoholism gradually worsened. He became someone else. Never thought I would lose him as a friend though, but I did. The alcohol took my place, and the place of all of his other friends. He's still alive.

Lost my father at age 11. Lost my mom in the 2010's. Lost my brother to Covid in 2021. Lost my in-laws. F-I-L died in my arms. My brother was the kindest man who ever walked this earth.

My female siblings always told me they loved me. They lived out of town. I was their hero. They always said "Lucky, you're going to go to heaven". "You're a saint for how you are helping mom". This was because I was my mom's caretaker. They got to go on their cruises while she dies. I got to watch her die. The very second my mom finally passed, the long knives came out and I never fucking heard from them again. I was no longer needed by them. They hated my mother. And they put up a front that they loved her. I was their conduit for that façade. I did the caretaking work so they didn't have to...and I got a big fuck you out of the deal the SECOND my mom passed. and I took care of her while having my own serious chronic health problems. I literally lost my entire fake fucked up family as an adult. I was lied to. I was never loved by them, but I was useful.

So now all of this is hitting me, as it sometimes does, but never this badly.. I can't talk to my spouse about all that has happened. She knows the whole story, and she is so fucking furious over the people who have left me, that she gets angry when I try to talk about it. Not angry AT me, but angry FOR me. We both end up in tears of rage.

I feel like my friend did when he tried to off himself. His problems were very similar to mine.

There is no one in my life that will be able to help me. There is no one that will talk to me for 6 hours. There is no one telling me that I'll be alright. There is no one telling me that I did good.

You ever try to talk to someone about how you are really feeling, and they cut you off and start talking about themselves? That is the way my face-to-face friends are. So I just listen to them like I always have. What am I going to do? Tell them I need a hug? Beg them to listen to me? Please fucking listen to me? Hold onto me, because I'm falling off the face of the earth?

So, I post this shit here. because no one fucking knows me here.

And there's not a person here who can help me either.

Diagnosed with C-PTSD and major depression. I manage it myself. I'm off all meds. I live my life in service to others, and that helps. It helps me forget my physical illnesses as well.

But now I need help, and I have no where to turn. Therapy does not help me. I just want someone who loves me, who knows me, who knows what i did, who knows the people I've lost, to fucking listen...for hours. And not someone who gets paid to do it and sit there and nod their head as I talk. That will be $100 Lucky, see you next visit, motherfucker.

I'm in a bad way, but no one would ever know it until this post.

My face-to-face friends don't know. all they know is that they can come to me with their problems. And I'll do whatever it takes to help them. I always have and always will.

I don't need any words of advice here. No sympathy. We all have our problems.

I hate when this stuff hits me, because I love to crack jokes and post here, but I can't think of any good shit to post anymore.

True Dough's post got me thinking about how I want to be remembered. and maybe someone at my funeral will say I was a good man who did good things. But I won't hear it.

What doesn't help...during my working days, I had a TON of friends. We all used to say that we would take a bullet for each other. Every single one of them is a Trumper now.

I apologize to anyone who reads this stupid fucking post, but I had to get it out. It's killing me slowly.

So I type and type and type...

The "Saint" who is "going to go to heaven" types and type and types like a fucking fool.

I hope I have the balls to not delete this post.

I read those stupid fucking quotes on the internet to try to help me. That inspirational bullshit. It doesn't help.

Hence my sig line...
Midnight on a carousel ride, reaching for the gold ring down inside. Never could reach it, just slips away. But I try.

I try.

I guess this post isn't very "lounge-like".

No response necessary. I won't know how to reply. Thanks for reading.







43 replies = new reply since forum marked as read
Highlight: NoneDon't highlight anything 5 newestHighlight 5 most recent replies
I had a friend. (Original Post) LuckyCharms Monday OP
Well, I'm replying anyway. I'll be up for a few more hours. Keep typing. 2MuchNoise Monday #1
Hold on to your wife... homegirl Monday #2
Neither one of us can communicate properly about it. LuckyCharms Monday #3
show her this post. mopinko Monday #6
This message was self-deleted by its author madaboutharry Yesterday #23
What mopinko said. madaboutharry Yesterday #25
Still loved Astrocyte Monday #4
Lucky UpInArms Monday #5
We might be twins! I, too, have been used by blood family and never given a chance Karadeniz Monday #7
You're a better man than I am. You inspire me to do better. chicoescuela Monday #8
Whoa, powerful post wendyb-NC Monday #9
I know you said "no response necessary" but I will talk to you for 5, 6, 7... hours anytime you LoisB Monday #10
I hope you know that so many of us here do feel your pain, mostly because we have alwaysinasnit Monday #11
..... sprinkleeninow Yesterday #12
Dear Lucky, Bayard Yesterday #13
Sending a hug and love. summer_in_TX Yesterday #14
You won't know how to reply and I don't know how to answer. sheshe2 Yesterday #15
We're here for you, LC. democrank Yesterday #16
Gosh, Lucky, I had no idea... hamsterjill Yesterday #17
Stay strong,... Dan Yesterday #18
I feel you pain--- I live it, in my own version Jack Valentino Yesterday #19
You are cherished here, Lucky. yorkster Yesterday #20
Type away, LC...type away. rubbersole Yesterday #21
Hugs to you. Big hugs. You've been through so much. Ilsa Yesterday #22
You have to try to get help with medication. Antidepressants. Pompoy Yesterday #24
This message was self-deleted by its author LudwigPastorius Yesterday #26
Thanks for telling your story, LuckyCharms.. Permanut Yesterday #27
Well, it seems that all who have Figarosmom Yesterday #28
I have always enjoyed your humorous post Lifeafter70 23 hrs ago #29
You gotta know True Dough 23 hrs ago #30
DU loves ya brotha AZJonnie 23 hrs ago #31
Being endlessly strong for others can really be a drag sometimes lostnfound 23 hrs ago #32
I'm so sorry about what you're going through, LuckyCharms. calimary 21 hrs ago #33
''a dewdrop on a flower or a heap of dung, the morning light sparkles on it just the same'' Donkees 19 hrs ago #34
that is beautiful Annie Moosee 11 hrs ago #39
It's morning, LuckyCharms. You up? 2MuchNoise 17 hrs ago #35
I really can't hug you across the internet, but there's lots of DU folks that care about you. sinkingfeeling 17 hrs ago #36
If writing helps Marthe48 16 hrs ago #37
I love you Kali 13 hrs ago #38
I lost my best friend to suicide Annie Moosee 11 hrs ago #40
As someone who is dealing with a lot of unresolved grief, I recognize a fellow traveler. VTderry 5 hrs ago #41
PTSD here. Meds give me a strong baseline. I don't applegrove 4 hrs ago #42
No reply necessary. OldBaldy1701E 4 hrs ago #43

homegirl

(1,791 posts)
2. Hold on to your wife...
Mon Jul 14, 2025, 10:57 PM
Monday

"So now all of this is hitting me, as it sometimes does, but never this badly.. I can't talk to my spouse about all that has happened. She knows the whole story, and she is so fucking furious over the people who have left me, that she gets angry when I try to talk about it. Not angry AT me, but angry FOR me. We both end up in tears of rage. "

Response to mopinko (Reply #6)

Astrocyte

(3 posts)
4. Still loved
Mon Jul 14, 2025, 11:01 PM
Monday

Lucky,
Your life seems unlucky but you have brought luck for others.

We need people like you to remind us that good exists in the world.

Stick around, you bring us luck by just being yourself, and you are loved….for being you.

Karadeniz

(24,541 posts)
7. We might be twins! I, too, have been used by blood family and never given a chance
Mon Jul 14, 2025, 11:20 PM
Monday

by stepfamily. Also, I dedicated decades to animal rescue as my service. Do not view yourself through the lens of selfish, user people. They don't have a fully equipped mind. They're lacking soul energy to balance out their egos. They can't change that lack in their basic make up, and that's why they are MAGA. Wherever possible, I've cut them out of my life. Be happy to be yourself. You have soul energy. Otherwise, you'd be like them !!!

wendyb-NC

(4,402 posts)
9. Whoa, powerful post
Mon Jul 14, 2025, 11:42 PM
Monday

You are brave, and honest, may peace wash over you and the pain ease. We need you and love you.

LoisB

(11,073 posts)
10. I know you said "no response necessary" but I will talk to you for 5, 6, 7... hours anytime you
Mon Jul 14, 2025, 11:50 PM
Monday

want. Sending hope for peace for you.

alwaysinasnit

(5,454 posts)
11. I hope you know that so many of us here do feel your pain, mostly because we have
Mon Jul 14, 2025, 11:51 PM
Monday

similar experiences. You are not alone here. We are your digital community, always ready to listen. Hugs to you.

Bayard

(25,951 posts)
13. Dear Lucky,
Tue Jul 15, 2025, 12:01 AM
Yesterday

Sometimes, people can be cruel and callous, even those we love.

You have a very large family here, and a ton of friends with strong shoulders. Please talk to us. We are your support group of like-minded people. Also, feel free to PM me. I promise you I will listen.

sheshe2

(92,856 posts)
15. You won't know how to reply and I don't know how to answer.
Tue Jul 15, 2025, 12:09 AM
Yesterday

What I can do is send you a gentle virtual hug. You have a big heart full of kindness and love and it shows, Lucky.

hamsterjill

(16,098 posts)
17. Gosh, Lucky, I had no idea...
Tue Jul 15, 2025, 12:35 AM
Yesterday

I have always enjoyed your posts. I think it's great that you typed this and didn't delete it. It's pure and it's honest, and it took courage.

You don't need to reply. I can't promise not to talk about my own life because that's my frame of reference. All I can tell you is that I was surprised a couple of years ago when a very bad situation turned around and became something good. So it does (indeed) happen.

I send wishes to you for that same thing. In the meantime, be gentle with yourself because you deserve that.

Dan

(4,823 posts)
18. Stay strong,...
Tue Jul 15, 2025, 12:43 AM
Yesterday

You have your wife and most importantly - you have you! You have your inner strength and self to help you get through the dark days. You have you.

yorkster

(3,250 posts)
20. You are cherished here, Lucky.
Tue Jul 15, 2025, 01:15 AM
Yesterday

And not just because you are the source of a lot of delight and humor.

Your brave, honest post was a real act of courage.

Ilsa

(63,031 posts)
22. Hugs to you. Big hugs. You've been through so much.
Tue Jul 15, 2025, 01:34 AM
Yesterday

I'm glad you still have your spouse, one who still gets angry for you.

I'm alone. Wish my husband was still with us.

Pompoy

(177 posts)
24. You have to try to get help with medication. Antidepressants.
Tue Jul 15, 2025, 01:50 AM
Yesterday

If you are in this much pain, why would you deprive yourself of medicine? What are you afraid of? I was never this desperate, but I went on ssri's over 26 years ago, and even though I'm at the smallest dosage these days, I don't feel the need to stop it altogether. I am content, happy.
The first year, with the highest dose was when it had the biggest side effects, as in affecting me sexually, but my body got used to it and I lowered the dose, so I have been quite alright since then.
I understand the fear one gets in the beginning of not being able to feel quite the same way again, especially with other medicines for much worse psychiatric conditions. But come on, it cannot be worse than feeling this bad, even though there are good reasons in your case for feeling this bad, feeling abandoned and unloved by your family.
Persevere. Best wishes.

Response to LuckyCharms (Original post)

Permanut

(7,307 posts)
27. Thanks for telling your story, LuckyCharms..
Tue Jul 15, 2025, 01:52 AM
Yesterday

The strength you have shown through these challenges is an inspiration to me.

Figarosmom

(6,827 posts)
28. Well, it seems that all who have
Tue Jul 15, 2025, 02:00 AM
Yesterday

Mistreated you are gone. Out of your life. Isn't that a good thing?

You are in a new life now, make it what you want, not just what you're stuck with.

No reply needed - writing is a catharsis just get all the posion out.

Lifeafter70

(578 posts)
29. I have always enjoyed your humorous post
Tue Jul 15, 2025, 02:26 AM
23 hrs ago

I also know many use comedy to hide their pain. Your DU friends really care about you.
I don't know what part of the country you live in but you can pm me and I will listen no talking just listening.
I understand how you feel about therapy I feel the same. Sometimes we all just need someone to listen and validate our worth.

True Dough

(23,651 posts)
30. You gotta know
Tue Jul 15, 2025, 02:54 AM
23 hrs ago

that you are so surrounded by friends here, Lucky.

Midnight on a carousel ride, reaching for the gold ring down inside. Never could reach it, just slips away. But I try.

I try.


And that, Mr. Charms, is what matters.

AZJonnie

(1,020 posts)
31. DU loves ya brotha
Tue Jul 15, 2025, 02:56 AM
23 hrs ago

Don't let the Pigs, Dogs, and Sheep surrounding you drag you down.

Things WILL get better, and we're here for ya mate

lostnfound

(17,082 posts)
32. Being endlessly strong for others can really be a drag sometimes
Tue Jul 15, 2025, 03:14 AM
23 hrs ago

Especially when others take advantage of it and ignore the signs that you have reached a limit.

I hope “your ship comes in”, emotionally speaking.. That something wonderful arrives unexpectedly and changes enough in your life to bring you some peace and happiness.

calimary

(87,030 posts)
33. I'm so sorry about what you're going through, LuckyCharms.
Tue Jul 15, 2025, 05:00 AM
21 hrs ago

Maybe your post just reminded me about what a blessing this place can be. How it can help us here to feel - uh - maybe liberated enough to imagine our way through complications that might have otherwise left us in a proverbial ditch. Hey, why not? Seriously. What can keep us stalled, or thinking we’re out of ideas, or maybe reluctant to try something really weird or different? Why should we try to hamstring ourselves?

There are times when I find myself imagining maybe we just throw the old rule book or conventional assumptions away. Perhaps THIS is one of those times?

Damned if I know. But we ARE blessed to have all kinds of thinkers here. And you just never know…


Okay, here’s a teeny-weenie bit of silly for ya: I accidentally typed your screen name wrong (LyckyCharms) and was pleasantly surprised that when the ol’ machine here actually found the right spelling, right away. Well, how ‘bout that! One more teensy little victory - microscopic, to be accurate! But heck, it DOES qualify as a victory. Why couldn’t there be others?

Donkees

(32,861 posts)
34. ''a dewdrop on a flower or a heap of dung, the morning light sparkles on it just the same''
Tue Jul 15, 2025, 06:22 AM
19 hrs ago




sinkingfeeling

(55,876 posts)
36. I really can't hug you across the internet, but there's lots of DU folks that care about you.
Tue Jul 15, 2025, 09:17 AM
17 hrs ago

Marthe48

(21,204 posts)
37. If writing helps
Tue Jul 15, 2025, 09:22 AM
16 hrs ago

You should have a diary or journey. I keep a text file on my laptop called 'What I'd really like to say'. I have some vulnerable people in my life, and while they are outside of my boundaries, I wouldn't add to their pain.

There is a book titled 'Necessary Losses' by Judith Viorst. The book helped me understand the rise and fall of friendships. Another book, one that actually changed my life was 'Adult Children of Alcoholics' by Janet Woititz. I actually bought copies and passed them out.

I've come a long way from where I was. I was never popular, but if people take the time to know me, they like me. I've always had a sense of purpose and acted on it, even if it was thankless. But like you, like every person who understood and used their power, I am the one who is there. I recently realized that if someone shares their angst with me, I was meant to be there for them. Back in the 80s, I read a letter to the editor. The letter was a tribute to a person who died, a friend of the writer. The letter described a Jewish myth that in the world, there are 13 good people and when someone needs a good person, they are there. The writer said their dear friend had been one of the 13. I liked the idea so much that I decided to be one of the 13 people. At some point, I shared the myth with my nephew. He moved away and came back a few years ago to visit. He said he liked the story, too, and tried to be one of the 13. Lucky, you might be burdened by the truth, but you are one of the 13. It isn't a good or bad thing, and not everyone will understand the undeniable truth of who you are and what you can do. Maybe after you read this, you'll use some of your strength to nurture yourself. Is any of this easy? No. Is it worthwhile? Yes. Because at the end of the day, you know who and what you are and you can look at yourself in the mirror.

My best friend passed away last Oct. after a lifelong battle with chronic health problems. She was everything to me and I don't know if I'll come to terms with her untimely, unfair death. But she had such a terrific outlook, even as challenging as it was for her to live the kind of life she wanted. No matter the size of the task, if she had trouble getting it done, she'd say, "The universe said no." Or if it happened, she'd say, "The universe said yes." I've adopted that outlook, and it seems to help to have less pressure on my own self to get something done. Jan is already part of the huge crowd of people I talk to, even if they are somewhere else. I look forward to joining them when I'm supposed to, but in the meantime, I love the people who are on this side of the door.

Even if you don't think talk therapy helps you, you might try again. Sometimes, it takes several tries to find someone who understands you to help you get the insight you seek. The same with meds, even short-term choices. There is always a new one and maybe there is a anti-depressant that'll will dull the edges until you can step away from the abyss.

In the meantime, be nice to yourself. We are here for you and you can count on us to appreciate you, maybe give the inner Lucky some healing.



Kali

(56,325 posts)
38. I love you
Tue Jul 15, 2025, 12:54 PM
13 hrs ago

I think the first post I remember of yours was something about you hurting your arm or shoulder that was a funny post but I walked right into it with my usual "helpful" advice. It has been a long time, I know you have periods of fragility and have worried about you several times when you went silent.

Once again you show your strength and courage in posting this. Draw on it and pleas stay with us.
I love you.

Annie Moosee

(174 posts)
40. I lost my best friend to suicide
Tue Jul 15, 2025, 03:05 PM
11 hrs ago

and didn't know for over two years, because she had cut me out of her life many years prior.

Many years ago, I went to visit her almost every day she was in the mental facility... a few months after that; she ghosted me, I guess.

So, I basically lost her three times. The first time she cut me out, the second time, after I was able to see her again a few times ten years later, but ghosted me again. And then, finally, in her death.

Hugs.

VTderry

(32 posts)
41. As someone who is dealing with a lot of unresolved grief, I recognize a fellow traveler.
Tue Jul 15, 2025, 08:59 PM
5 hrs ago

Maybe a grief support group would be a place where you could feel heard.

And you are heard here too.

applegrove

(126,770 posts)
42. PTSD here. Meds give me a strong baseline. I don't
Tue Jul 15, 2025, 09:25 PM
4 hrs ago

help the public except online in one way or another. Wish I could but I can't help people in person. Count your lucky stars. From someone who has been through hell to another, suffer and mourn every loss. Cry. You get endorphins at the end of a cry. As a child you did it when you were hurt and were then pure joy again. You feel the loss when you cry and then reconnect to a new reality at the end and you are deeper and wiser and can soon access all the memories and laugh and wiggle both your ears. ...... remember the cracks are how the light gets in. And when you are going through hell, keep going.

You have much to be proud of. You are lucky. To be a giver in a world of takers is lucky indeed. You could have been born one of them. Love your posts on the DU.

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