We live you, Deb.

I want you to do something.

I want you to understand...

Going no contact does not mean just going no contact physically.

You need to detach from them in your mind also.

Not easy, is it?

DO NOT let your trauma dictate how you feel about yourself.

Let it go...think about this Debbie...

It was not you that precipitated your trauma...it was other people. Not you.

I can tell how you are by your posts. You're strong, loving and caring. You care about other people. You are not your parents. You are not your sister. You are nobody else but you. Are you going to let this trauma kill you Debbie? Why would you fret so over the actions of others?

If it sounds like I am lecturing, it's because I am.

I'm not a therapist. But...I am estranged from my remaining siblings who did me wrong. You MUST tell yourself that it's them and not you.

You MUST detach mentally.

I'm saying all of this out of kindness Deb.

And if these words are useless to you, please seek therapy.

I went through a long period of guilt after I detached, but trust me, you will thank yourself.

if you are unable to detach, get help, and get help quickly. You don't want to live the rest of your life living in the judgements of other people.

Don't give a fuck who is proud of you Deb. Just be proud of yourself. That's all that matters.

We get one life. Don't go to your grave feeling like this.

Time to clip your own wings and fly to living the rest of your life in good health. Start this New Year as the Year of Deb. It will be empowering 🌺

Don’t let the toxicity from your family touch him. They need help with SS? let them find it someplace else.

If one of them manage to bypass you and Rich blocking them, hang up as soon as you hear their voice.

I am not Catholic but it is obvious that Catholicism is important to you, especially this time of year.

I would like to suggest that you seek therapy from within the church. Someone who understands the backgrounds and the hurt.

We all love you here. Don’t carry the pain alone. Speak to us. And we love Rich too because he loves you.

I broke off from my mother when I was around 68 -- couldn't take being emotionally stabbed (and the verbal knife twisted) whenever I spoke with her. When she passed a few years later, what I felt was a great sense of relief. WE UNDERSTAND.

… to become the cheerful, positive person you are.

Your family is not you, and I’m sure that the holiday season is behind your recent funk.

I think I’ve told you before that I wrote my family off a couple decades ago. I was always the odd one out. I was ridiculed for being “smart” (straight As with no effort), quiet, artistic, and I guess neglected because I didn’t “need” the supervision my siblings did. I was always told I was weird and they couldn’t understand how I got that way.

Then Rush Limbaugh happened and democratic Iowa became an early victim of what eventually became MAGA. I moved to Florida and pretty much cut ties with the lot of them (LOL—Florida was democratic when I got here, so fine escape that was… *eyeroll*) My sister took everything my mum left behind when she died (would have spared me a lot of financial grief when I divorced my arsehole of an ex, an abusive malignant narcissist who also became bizarrely religious and later, a fkg trumper—and still owes me 17 years of alimony), but in the end, I’m still better off without them—and yes, the holidays are weird for me, too. We (kids and I) pretty much ignore them completely since my ex ruined everything for us, and it becomes less of an issue as time goes on.

People think “blood” is all, but it’s not. We see who you are here and I feel pretty safe saying your birth family doesn’t deserve you. You seem a kind and gentle person and you need to pick “family” who appreciates you for who you are, not who you come from. Sounds like you’ve taken your first steps and are well on your way. *hugs*

To be honest.

I told her that not too long ago.

Also, like you said, I'm not sure how Deb became such a positive person after living that hell.

The majority of us here are pleasant and friendly and I consider these members "family" if one would look at it from this perspective. Family isn't always blood relatives. It's about people demonstrating support.


Anyway just my 25 cents.

did I escaped. even at a young age , I knew that something wasn't right and engaged my self in my art, being with friends away as much as possible from my home.

big on the Ten Commandments.----Obey your parents. I also went to Our Lady of Perpetual Guilt, where it was drummed into me..No sex ed at school or home, so I didn't know what my grandmother was doing. Like I said I was into art and being with my friends who were my refuge. Awards for writing and art. Reading, Dance and Swimming. I set my goal on leaving at 18 and I went to college 150 miles away. Yes, it was hard. But I had no one to go to. As college student , I found my wings. I was lucky. I had a dream and could see better things in the future. My husband is a loving man. I lucked out.

underpants has that affect on people!



Be well. glad your heart is cleansed.

(And love you, underpants!)

Your posts always make me smile with your questions!

I feel so bad for you. I’m glad you’ve made your own family to take the place of the one you were born into, but that kind of pain never goes away. I wish you a better future without them.

my grandmother tried to tell me for years ... she had a good handle on the negative/narcissist person my mother had become. I was able to keep my distance pretty well by moving away, but it took a long time before I really listened and stopped feeling guilty. If you are in a funk and think you might just send them a birthday check or something - write it out to a local charitable organization that will be grateful and use the money to help someone who really needs it. Deb, you are a nice person, and you are worthy of being loved. Please focus on you and Rich in the coming new year!

I know what family pain is like. I just bought a book called The Sugar Jar about getting more good in your life and setting boundaries.
Might help to read. My relationship with my mom was hard to the end and she lived to 96.

I wish you peace.

Some people are born or become defective in their heart. But somehow they birthed you, and your heart is completely whole and functioning, blessing your husband, children, and us here at DU.

May the pain be wiped away by our love reciprocated.

May your heart and soul continue to heal.

Bad people are bad people. If they have family as part of their identity, it doesn't make them less bad nor you more obligated to take their abuse.
You get to choose the people you let into your heart now.
Let rules to keep children safe be your guide as you practice these steps.
You have so much love here Debbie, and while the hugs don't quite feel the same, you weren't getting any from them anyway lol.
May you find the strength to follow through and the peace of mind to know you're right.
Love you, John

night for a year. And I told her that about 10 years ago. But that monster is the only one she loves.