Good for you that you made the break! Sending hugs of support! 🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷

are exactly the kind of people we don't need in our lives.

More power to you for standing up for yourself.

Hang in there..

We appreciate you here!

Have to look at their own problems such as alcoholism and other addictions, so long as they can beat up on me and laugh at me.

Our DU family has given me more support than they ever did.
Your courage is inspiring. Thank you so much.
💙💙💙💙💙

Ignore the gas lighters, get on with your life, and the pursuit of happiness. All the best of luck to you!

It is not an easy read, esp for someone who has bn the victim of such maladaptive behavior, but it will explain the underlying issues.

When my stepsister called the police over my father beating her mother, and my father was arrested, the whole family including of course my father saw her…the 14 year old who was terrified and called the cops…as the bad person who obviously would become a huge failure in life. (She became a success in every measurable way, beyond what any of them could imagine.)

I guess is very common for family scapegoats.

Then when that person leaves or severs ties, guess what? Another member will be targeted for the role.

Think of family therapy like a mobile hanging over a baby's crib. When one toy on a string is touched, the whole thing begins to rock.

You can likely find a used copy relative reasonably priced.

Kudos to your hubby for encouraging you to cut the crazymakers out of your life.

Focus instead on how your life experiences have made you the wonderful person you are!

You might want to get youd hands on a copy of "No Bad Parts," an exemplary read! Any library should have a copy!

If Psych 101 were taught as a mandatory course in every high school, likely we wouldn't be plagued with these transgenerational maladaptions, but here we are...

Hugs to you!

I just downloaded a copy of Scapecoat Complex. The synopsis is right on target.

I’ll also check out No Bad Parts as well.

Really appreciate your recommendations.
💙💙💙

Glad you are finding Scapegoat Complex hitting the mark.

If you want something even deeper, take a peek at "The Inner World of Trauma," by Kalsched. Again, not an easy read by any means, but benchmark work.

Enjoy!

Great stuff!

I don't have any specific testimonials to recommend, but others have shared with me that people say IFS (Schwartz's work) is "life changing!"

Enjoy!

My family sounds like yours. They feel threatened if I say no to them. They need me as the triad in there mix. Without us one of them will have to be the victim and they can’t risk that! A nice strong boundary is your friend. My best to you. You deserve peace. 💗🙏🏼

and/or they were among the lucky ones to have a functional family, so that they may honestly not understand what you (and others) went through. That's why listening to your own assessment (with support of others if you have them) is far more important than pleasing others who don't get it.

presented as the ideal, the norm, is BS designed to keep us in thrall, and to keep shrinks and big pharma in their big bucks. This family of the blood, this genetic or legal relation is no guarantee that one will find love and support and encouragement. Often, it is abuse and pain. And one has EVERY right to run as far as possible.

Then there is family of the heart, who may, or may not, be genetically or legally related. This family is there for you, supports you, encourages you, loves and cares about you. Some of us have both. For many of us, we are fortunate to have family of the heart.

There is a damned good reason for this old saying, "Your friends are god's way of apologizing for your relatives." (we will leave the discussion of why god inflicted those relatives in the first place for another time.). Or the one that says you can choose your friends, but not your family. However, one can choose, for one's life and well-being, to stay as far away from one's dysfunctional, abusive, hateful (and politically insane) family of the blood as possible, with no need to feel guilt or angst.

I consider her to be more family than the people I share DNA with.

What qualities would you like to have in family? You can choose a new definition, or new qualities and look for people who have those qualities as friends!

I have always wondered as well. I didn't have the horrible extent of abuse as you, but my Mom was mentally ill and way back in the 70s the most important thing in our family was to keep her from losing her shit and screaming and cursing at everyone for days on end. Then suddenly it never happened and my sister and I would be in gaslight city.

I never understood family, why anyone would allow them in their business all them time, it always seemed like some dangerous shit to me, always on tip-toes waiting on the eruption, and I was the object of disgust and shame after being diagnosed with mental illness and Mom going scott-free because she never got diagnosed for her bat-shit-crazy (until Dad died and my sister and I got her into assisted living and look after her as we can, she has quite advanced dementia now and is nice, but we got her mental healthcare as soon as she got to asst living to keep her from getting kicked out).

I didn't mean to hijack your topic I have a very weird story but I fully acknoledge that many have suffered much worse than me, but I can't recall when I understood devotion to family, I always worried about "incurring the family hatred" until it became clear to me and them that I just didn't give a shit anymore.

I am so so sorry and I am glad you are free and safe now 💙💙💙💙💙🤗🤗🤗🤗

My parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, etc., are the family I was born into. I’m fortunate to have good people in my family, but I had no choice in who they are. My friends are the family I chose for myself.

several times, but the last one was final. It's been over 20 years now, and they've been dying off. I married an orphan who like your husband encouraged me to let them go. I never wanted children or any family of my own. Scared the bejesus out of me. Life is so frigging hard. I explained to the matriarch that it was me, not her that necessitated my action. Every time I spoke with her I was instantly snapped back into the high drama of time spent there. I suppose it was different because they weren't 'really' my family, but according to her I owed them big time for not ending up as a 'ward of the state'. That 'family' thing can be so detrimental. I wish you well on your journey. We are all alike, and we are all so very different. Doing what 'you' need to do for you, what feels right, is your choice to make. Pro's and Con's and all that. I didn't live near them anymore either, so didn't have to listen to the party-line bull either. My husband of over 30 years died recently, and left me much stronger because of our ability to find our own way. Just do you.

emotional pain is something I'm familiar with, but nothing could have prepared me. Funny how much of long ago and far away creeps up on me now. I think the pain is what puts me back there. It's never gone, but I think I never dealt with aspects of loss, fear, shame, 'the usual' from back then. It's like 'muscle' memory, only it's 'emotional trauma memory'. I'm learning an awful lot, and as we know the only way through, is through. Can't find a short-cut, or get around it.

abuse they have doled out and constantly defend their bad behavior. The family scapegoat is the one who gets the worst of the abuse, yet they are the ones most likely to seek and get help. If you are a family scapegoat, their abuse of you will not stop. It is so easy for them to blame you for everything that’s wrong and attack you because of it.

I kept trying to adopt myself out to my friend's family.
Didn't work.

You do you.
Do what you need to stay healthy,.

Brother who was 8 years older than me, started raping me when I was five, and the family coordinated and colluded to keep it happening because they enjoyed seeing me in pain.

After I grew up, some said I was making it up, my brother said it wasn’t a big deal and my mother said I should have fought harder if I didn’t want it, it takes two to tango after all.

Just one example, I could give hundreds more but don’t want to bore people.

It is good to have some contact for health information and death confirmations.

Even if you have to resort to no phone numbers traded, no addresses traded because they abuse even that. You could resort to a post office box, a one-purpose email account, or a burner phone. Each costs a bit of time and money.

At death, someone needs to contact a family member.

And if they really are that much of a bother. You can always answer every question, every statement, every grunt, with "Oh, really." Unless you have to answer them with a restraining order. In that case, get one.

Toxic in …no one deserves that.

If you have friends and close people who love you and treat you with respect you have every right to
call them family.

Remember the best love you can show to those you have with you now and who you trust and love
is to NOT bring toxic people into their lives.


Tikki