It is to laugh - DIY - Jokes to read

A psychiatrist is interviewing a patient in a mental home. “How did you get here?” he says. “What is the nature of your illness?” The patient replies, “Well, it all started when I married a widow with a grown daughter. My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely step-daughter, then married her. So my step-daughter was now my step-mother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy’s brother-in-law, since he is the half-brother of my step-daughter, who is now, of course, my daddy’s wife. Now, since my new son is brother to my step-mother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother, since she is my step-mother’s mother. So since I’m married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife’s grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. And if that’s not enough to drive you crazy, what is?”

Bubba and Becky are delighted when the adoption agency tells them they have a wonderful Russian baby. On the way home from the adoption agency they stop by the local college and enroll in night courses to learn Russian. “You going to Russia on vacation?” asks the registration clerk. “No,” replies Bubba. “We just adopted a Russian baby. When he starts talking we’ll want to know what he’s saying.”

A farmer insists on vetting his daughters’ boyfriends before they’re allowed out on dates. One evening the doorbell rings and a boy calls for one of the daughters. “Hi, my name’s Joe,” says the boy. “I’m here for Flo. We’re going to the show, is she ready to go?” The father calls down Flo and off she goes. Another boy arrives and says, “My name’s Eddie, I’m here for Betty, we’re gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?” Father calls down Betty and off she goes. A third young man arrives and says, “Hi, my name’s Tucker…” and the farmer shoots him.

A man sees a farmer walking a pig and notices that the animal has a wooden leg. Curious, he asks the farmer how the pig lost its limb. “Well,” says the farmer. “One night the wife and me were asleep when the pig saw the house was on fire. It broke down the door ran up the stairs and dragged me to safety. Then it went back in and carried out my wife, then it went in a third time and rescued my four children. We’d all be dead if it weren’t for this pig.” “So did the pig get its leg burned in the fire?” asks the man. “Oh, no,” says the farmer. “But when you’ve got a pig like this, you don’t eat it all at once.”

Farmer Giles had a very attractive young wife. He discovered he couldn’t keep his hands off her – so he fired them.

A farmer is drowning his sorrows in a bar. The bartender asks him what’s the matter. “I was milking my cow, Daisy, this morning,” says the farmer, “when she kicked her left leg and knocked the bucket over.” “That’s not so bad,” says the bartender. “No,” replies the farmer. “But I tied her left leg to a post to stop her doing it again, and she kicked over the bucket with her right leg, so I tied that to another post.” “That’s not so bad,” says the bartender. “No,” says the farmer. “But then she knocked over the bucket with her tail so I took off my belt and tied it up out of the way.” “That’s still not so bad,” says the bartender. “No,” replies the farmer. “But that’s when my pants fell down and my wife walked in.”

Did you know it takes 40 pigs to make 4,000 sausages? Isn’t it amazing what you can teach them?

A fat man goes to a weight-loss clinic and is offered three weight-loss plans, one for $100, one for $200, and a third for $500. The man chooses the $100 plan, has a shower, then is shown into a sauna. There, sitting naked on a chair, is a young woman with a sign over her head saying, “If you catch me you can have sex with me!” The man needs no more encouragement and starts chasing the woman around the room. His time runs out before he catches her, but he’s delighted when he learns he’s lost ten pounds of fat. The next day the man returns and buys the $200 plan. Again he has a shower, and again he’s shown into the sauna. Here a gorgeous naked young woman in high heels is sitting under the sign saying, “If you catch me you can have sex with me!” The fat man chases the woman around the room but even in her high heels she’s able to evade him until his time is up. The next day the man returns and decides on the $500 weight-loss plan. The man has his shower and is shown into the sauna but finds it’s empty. He hears a sound and looks around as a huge male gorilla is pushed into the room. Around the gorilla’s neck is a sign saying, “If I catch you, I get to have sex with you!”

Lord, if you can’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

A woman bumps into an old friend and asks how her marriage is going. “Not good,” she says. “He eats like a pig, he never takes a bath, and he leaves his dirty clothes all over the house. He makes me so sick I can barely eat.” “Well why don’t you leave him?” says the woman. “I will,” says the friend. “But I want to lose another 12 pounds first.”

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them hears one of the men say, “Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.” “You foul-mouthed swine,” says the lady indignantly. “In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public.” “Hey, isa all right,” replies the man. “Imma just tella my friend how to spella Mississippi.”

A doctor in an old people’s home is discussing an elderly resident with one of the orderlies. “I’m worried about Mr. Jones,” says the doctor. “He claims that when he goes to the bathroom God switches on the light for him, then switches it off again when he’s finished. Do you think he’s going senile?” “Nah,” says the orderly. “He’s just been peeing in the fridge again.”

A Canadian park ranger is giving some hikers a warning about bears, “Brown bears are usually harmless. They avoid contact with humans, so we suggest you attach small bells to your backpacks and give the bears time to get out of your way. However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous. If you see any grizzly-bear droppings leave the area immediately.” “So how do we know if they’re grizzly-bear droppings?” asks one of the hikers. “It’s easy,” replies the ranger. “They’re full of small bells.”

A man buys a parakeet, but is disappointed when it doesn’t speak. He goes back to the pet shop, where the owner suggests getting the parakeet a mirror to play with. This doesn’t make the parakeet any more talkative, so the pet shop owner next suggests buying it a cuttlefish bone. The bone has no effect either, so the owner suggests the man buys the parakeet a bell and a ladder. Finally, the man returns to the pet shop and announces he’s had success. “The parakeet looked in the mirror,” says the man. “It pecked at the cuttlefish, climbed the ladder, rang the bell, then said a few words, and fell dead off its perch.” “Oh dear,” said the pet shop owner, “What did it say?” The man replies, “It said, ‘Hasn’t that shop got any damn bird seed?’”

A woman buys a beautiful parrot, but the only phrase it knows is “Who is it?” She takes the parrot home but soon realizes that the bird’s color clashes with her living-room decor so she calls a decorator to create a new color scheme. However, by the time the decorator turns up the woman has gone out shopping. The decorator knocks on the door and the parrot says, “Who is it?” The man says, “It’s the decorator.” The parrot says, “Who is it?” The man repeats, “It’s the decorator.” The parrot says, “Who is it?” The man yells, “It’s the decorator!” The parrot says, “Who is it?” The man screams, “I said, it’s the decorator…!” The decorator gets so mad he pops a blood vessel and dies on the spot. The woman comes home and finds a dead man lying on her front porch. She says, “Oh my goodness! Who is it?” The parrot replies, “It’s the decorator!”

Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl and, one night, an owl finally called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of their “conversations.” Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next-door neighbor. “My husband spends his nights calling out to owls,” she said. “That’s odd,” the neighbor replied. “So does mine.”

Mrs. Evans can’t tell which of her two parakeets is the male, so a friend suggests waiting till they are “doing the business” then putting a collar on the bird on top. The idea works and the male parakeet is collared. A few days later, the priest comes over for tea. The parakeet eyes him and says, “Caught you too did they, pal?”

A man buys a parrot but discovers too late that it is extremely foul-mouthed and bad-tempered. The bird keeps shouting obscenities at the man, who is forced to lock it in his garden shed to try to shut it up. This doesn’t work and he can still hear the filthy-mouthed bird from the house. In desperation, the man retrieves the parrot and shuts it in a cupboard, but the bird still keeps screaming at him, and now the neighbors are starting to complain about the noise. As a last resort, the man shoves the parrot into the fridge. Miraculously, the parrot suddenly shuts up, so the man takes the bird out of the fridge and puts it back on its perch. The parrot then apologizes for its appalling behavior and asks to be forgiven. “That’s okay,” says the man. “As long as you don’t do it again.” “I won’t,” says the parrot, casting a nervous eye at the fridge. “By the way…What did the chicken do?”

A blonde has her hair dyed brown. A few days later she’s out driving through the countryside when she stops her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she says to the shepherd, “If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?” The shepherd agrees, so the blonde thinks for a moment and says, “352.” The shepherd is amazed, “You’re right! Which sheep do you want?” The blonde picks the cutest animal. The shepherd says to her, “Okay. How’s this for a bet? If I can guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?”

An anthropologist is traveling the world filming tribal dances when he hears of a mystic Australian Aboriginal ceremony called the Butcher Dance. The dance has never been seen by outsiders so the anthropologist travels to the Australian outback to try and film it. It turns out the Butcher Dance is only performed in one remote settlement, so the anthropologist puts together an expedition and the group drives out into the bush. Bad luck strikes the expedition and their gas tank gets punctured forcing them to take to their feet. They walk for days and days and the expedition members gradually drop through exhaustion, sun-stroke, and thirst. Finally only the anthropologist is left struggling along with his camera. Finally he too has enough and collapses in the dust. That evening he wakes to find he’s been rescued. He’s in a tribal encampment, and is delighted when he discovers that his saviors are the very tribe that perform the fabled Butcher Dance. It turns out the Butcher Dance is usually performed only once every ten years, but since the anthropologist has suffered so much, the tribal elders agree to put on a performance especially for him. The anthropologist sets up his camera and the tribal dancers get into a circle. The tribal chief claps his hands, the anthropologist starts recording, and the Aborigines start their mystic dance, “You butcher left arm in. Your butcher left arm out. In. Out…”

A man comes home from work and is greeted by his wife. She tells him she has good news and bad news about their car. The man says, “Okay, so give me the good news.” His wife replies, “The good news is, the air bag works…”

A man hates his wife’s cat and decides to get rid of it by driving it 20 blocks from home and dumping it. As he gets back home he sees the cat walking up the driveway so he drives the cat 40 blocks away and dumps it again. When he gets back, there once again is the cat wandering up the driveway. In the end he drives the cat for miles and miles until he’s in the middle of a huge forest where he dumps it yet again. Three hours later his wife gets a call at home. “Darling,” says her husband. “Is the cat there?” “Yes,” says the wife. “Why?” “Just put him on the line will you?” says the husband. “I need directions!”

Diarrhea is hereditary. It runs in your jeans.

An elderly couple die in a heat-wave, but there have been so many deaths the local undertakers can’t cope. In desperation, the ambulance driver takes the two corpses to a taxidermist to see if he can help. “I’ll do what I can,” says the taxidermist. “But do you want them mounted?” “Nah,” says the ambulance driver. “Holding hands will be fine.”

In one Intensive Care Unit patients always died in the same bed at 11 am on a Sunday morning, regardless of their condition. This puzzled the medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to observe the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour. Some held crosses and prayer books to ward off evil influences, while the less superstitious had video cameras to capture every moment on tape. At the 11th hour, the door to the ward slowly opened, then a cleaner came in, disconnected the life support and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.

A mine collapses near a small town. An engineer survives the disaster and goes to the local bar. The bar is empty except for one other customer. “Hey bartender,” says the engineer. “I’ll have a beer and pour another one for my friend over there.” The bartender replies, “I’m sorry, sir, but that guy’s Irish and we don’t serve his kind here.” “Well, you’d better because if it weren’t for that guy, I wouldn’t be here,” says the engineer. “You know the mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer. If you don’t believe me, look at the top of his head. You’ll see it’s flat from holding the roof up.” The bartender serves the Irishman his beer then comes back to talk to the engineer, “I saw the flat spot on his head but I also noticed some bruising under his chin. What’s that all about?” The engineer replies, “Oh, that’s where we put the jack.”