Lost my only sibling yesterday.

My brother was almost 8 yrs older than me. It's not that his passing was unexpected. It was sudden. I'm feeling numb. I'm feeling mad. I feel like I failed my mom whose last words were "take care of your brother". I tried to. I rode a fine line between helping my brother and not causing problems between me and my husband. I will miss him because now I'm the only one left. Nobody to share family memories with.

I'm sad, but I'm also resigned that he's now exactly where he wanted to be and I hope his passing wasn't painful. My nephew said he was just sitting in his TV chair with his phone in his hand. He said he thinks it was intentional because the oxygen hose/canula was laid across his lap so it's not like it came out accidentally. He had just turned 69 and his health had been in decline for quite awhile with COPD, T2 diabetes, and mobility issues. I swear he was trying to hasten his demise by chain smoking and running up the CO2 in his system enough that his lungs couldn't clear it (the reason for his many hospitalizations). He spent about $500 on cigarettes per month, and if he didn't have the money, he bum or scrounge them any way he could. The last time he was in the hospital (last month on his b'day), he kept saying that his son called the paramedics too soon. I tried to help with what I could, but I couldn't work solely to funnel my paycheck into his bills. His finance issues were way more than I could help with. I would buy/order what he needed, get him groceries, cook meals for him, DoorDash Saturday dinners for him, his son, and 3 grandsons after it got so he had a problem getting out and about - but if I gave him cash, it just disappeared into thin air. I know my husband and I alone couldn't possibly dig him out from his predicament, but even when we tried to get him professional help, he wasn't interested, wouldn't heed anyone's advice.

Now that I've dumped my frustration, he really could be a good brother. He was soft spoken, enjoyed music, could do anything he set his mind to if he had a clear enough vision, played the guitar and we'd sing all the tunes he knew, tried his best to be a single dad to his 4 kids with our Mom's help, could talk about pretty much any subject. That being said, he had a pervy stalkerish side, enough that in the past years I didn't feel comfortable with him and some of his chosen topics of conversation he tried to have with me, I didn't introduce him to my female friends, coworkers, or church friends.

I'm sorry to dump all this here. I just needed to get it off my chest.