don’t feel so alone.

I've certainly had my own share of grief over the years--experiencing the crash after the initial numbness (which is apparently quite common) wears off. The latter gets you through whatever horrible period of illness, death, funeral, notifications, people wanting to talk to you, post-financial issues and dealing with belongings-- all of that, but once it wears off. Wow.

I can only tell you what has helped me in every instance, albeit over many months or more. And that is getting outside--by myself and walking, walking, walking, walking--often with beautifully sad music and letting it all out where no one can hear me cry, scream, wail. Even if one is not physically able to do that, being out in nature really helped me and I know some others as well. But, the movement--whatever movement that might be is part of it. Finding purpose helps too--especially if it might directly or indirectly honor the memory of the one lost.

That sounds simplistic and i am sorry if so. But, it has helped me with three wrenching deaths--including the death of a beloved dog who helped get me through the first two human deaths on those long wrenching walks. So, I feel I should suggest it.

Best wishes.

I have two cats that are helping keep me sane.

ideal way to get outside (and boy will it warm you up quickly)... You might be surprised at others doing it or go through your local parks department to see if they have groups or classes or some way to meet up with others to do it. Teach you how, if you haven't done it before. Colorado has had a miserably warm, minimal snow winter, but I hear Wisconsin has had more than its share. Just a thought.

Trick is not through glasses or glass though can be through closed eyelids. 20 to 30 min 3 times a week can really help brighten emotions. Sunlight that way helps make setotonin. Since it's natural the only slight risk is cataracts later on. A study was done in Japan on the long lived and cataracts were universal beyond typical occurance in that cohort. Cataract surgery has gotten amazing as of late so just get eye checkups as that comes on gradually.

Yes you are at increased risk for even death during this first 6 months as your whole routine and most significant emotional support is gone now. And those stages of grief dont always go in order or in a forward direction.

Please take care, my Mom was windowed when I was 11, so I was a way for her to keep moving with life. My Mom found a widow's group helped her that first year.

Keep posting here. Happiness shared is doubled, Sadness shared is halved. That is traditional wisdom.

... I was a basket case.

We were both IT consultants and had a little dog walking side gig to force ourselves to get away from the computer.

After Dusty's death, I was too much of a mess for consulting, so I turned the dog walking into a full-time business. I think it saved my life.

I didn't have the wherewithal to get out and walk for myself, but knowing my doggy clients needed me got me out the door.

I cried and screamed in my car on my way to each visit, put on my sunglasses to hide my red eyes to walk a pup, rinse and repeat for at least 8 walks a day. Played lots of music to grieve by. Adele's someone like you, pink Floyd's wish you were here, Dobie Grey's drift away (Dusty was a musician and used to cover that song) stand out.

Slowly the episodes of crying lessened, but even more than 10 years later, the pain strikes.

BTW, The lost love of my life was Senator here on DU.

In Memoriam
DU's "Senator" Died June 8, 2011
https://www.democraticunderground.com/1002750566

I had not realized that he had passed. I'm glad you found a coping strategy that worked for you, but yes, I agree--the near paralyzing episodes of grief decrease over time, but can still come back even many years later. Sometimes triggered by memories or a song or...

and reasonable given the global trauma that is being inflicted at the same time you are dealing with such a deep loss. 🤔

They are specially trained to help people resolve their grief.

Healing vibes on the way to you.

Helped a lot, he was my best friend.

Glad you joined & found peace through the process.

hard to believe this, but grief is a productive process. It will eventually pull you through this. But it does take time and there is no way to get around it.

I'm so sorry for your hard time.

When you're ready a grief group of some sort might help a bit.

The act of putting fingers to pen to paper helps the mind work things out. Over time you'll see patterns, you see how some thoughts repeat, and therefore something that needs attention or a different perspective.

Can't sleep? Get to sleep, or stay asleep? I take 1mg melatonin and a folate tablet about 9pm, 50mg magnesium and a mega dose of vitamin D after dinner. This per some ideas from YouTube's Dr. Berg. At least I sleep well, and that was not always the case.

We all don't feel safe. I see erratic things in the stores. Gasoline stations were usually within 10 cents of each other. Now some are 35 cents higher than the others. Don't know if the difference reflects old contracts, storage, or price gouging. Food prices are up and up. The same products can vary by $2 or more store to store. Some stores are sparsely stocked. Some products I can't find. WalMart had no cranberry sauce.

People are jolted. I encountered two drivers on the same back road barreling down the middle. I would have been run into a ditch if I hadn't blown my horn early and loud. And they look at me like I've got no right to be there. Who are you to toot at me before I run you over?

Hope this helps, hang in there, take an hour to put it out of your mind, talk to family or friend weekly.

decrease the size and number of cysts in the kidneys. Your driving experience sounds horrific. I find people today just don’t value life and it’s deeply distressing.

Take care ❤️

I lost my son to suicide at age 25, just a little over 4 years ago. One thing I learned very quickly about our society is how grief-illiterate we are. It is a pain that can't be described, as there are no human words for the devastation, the complete implosion of your entire belief system and reason for existence.

I got so much "advice" from people who had no clue. Megan Devine's book, "It's Ok You're Not Ok: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand," was a lifesaver. Megan Devine talks about this same sort of "advice" she got, as well as the judgment (she lost her fiancé, who drowned in a river as they were walking together).

My advice would be to find a support group of people with similar loss, and I highly recommend Megan Devine's book.

David Kessler has a website, "grief.com". He was a grief counselor who worked with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. Then he lost his son, he said that after losing his son (overdose), he wanted to go to every patient he'd counseled and apologize. What he thought he knew about grief, he realized he'd gotten all wrong. I just visited his site, and he has a free live event coming up on 3/24: "When a Spouse Dies: Support for the Loneliness No One Talks About." If you register for the event, you will get a link to a video of it in case you can't attend live.

I'm so sorry for your devastating loss.

from work. People expect you to just flip a switch and go on with your life. What has happened to caring and empathy?

My condolences for your son. Thank you for the info about Kessler; I have read Kubler-Ross. I will tune in to the event 3/24.

Hugs.

I got so tired of being told how "strong" I was from people who had no clue what grief actually feels like. It was like they were patting me on the back and giving me a grade on my grief. Grief has nothing to do with "strength"; what choice did I have? Every day is a struggle to get through. Grief is ugly, messy, and not some sort of valiant, noble journey.

Lisa Marie Presley talked about her grief after losing her son, Benjamin, to suicide. She talked about the inanity of being told how "strong" she was. She said, "What does that even mean? Just throw sh*t at me, and I'll survive?"

This is the most difficult journey a human being can walk, and each person's journey is unique to them. Don't ever let anyone try to tell you what yours should look like. Some go off to start foundations in their loved one's honor, some barely make it out of bed, and all sorts of in-between. All are brave, all are real.

She joined several suicide awareness groups and survivors support. One of them is called Ugly Shoes.

on the Megan Devine book. No other book spoke to me as much as that one in the aftermath of loss.

You can also get a workbook that accompanies her main book (although I didn't use that, I know journaling and prompts can be helpful for some).

begins to lessen over time. But that happens after the initial shock of grief and depression and you are probably solidly in that phase. Counseling might help and you are always welcome to come share with us. We care,,,

What you’re feeling is totally understandable. Please know that so many of us here are wishing you love, strength, and hope.

One year to step one of feeling better is what I generally observe. Give yourself time and whatever else you need.

♥️🩷♥️

In the best of weather, it was calming. In the worst, it reminded me how hard survival is for most living things, that most living things don't die of old age, and that my fiance dying wasn't unfair or uniquely tragic, just a hard fact of the world. I'm not religious, but it helped to think that molecules that he breathed were all around me, that even molecules that had passed through his porous skin were here, too.

I also couldn't sleep, and didn't eat for several weeks. I couldn't focus enough to read anything except writings about death and bereavement; everything else was just letters swirling around a page.

But one day, as I drifted asleep, I realized that for the first time, I'd made it through an entire day without crying. Of course, that made me sob. But then there were other days, and others, until it became the norm.

For a while, time was my enemy, for it seemed that every day pushed me further away from him. But time then became my friend, for it eventually allowed me to remember the love more than the grief.

This was decades ago, and I didn't have friends my own age who had been through it. I hope that you know some people who understand from experience, or that people who know you a little bit will step forward and offer support. People who did that for me got me through it.

My writing will never be the same as talking to people in person, but feel free to message me if you ever want. I probably won't answer right away--I don't spend a lot of time on DU--but I'll probably answer within 24 hours.

As a widow may I express my deepest sympathy. Every day it may hurt a little less but the missing never ends. Praying you find the strength to overcome the pain.

But hopefully at some point when you think of your husband it will be with love and happiness in your heart as you remember the happy times you had together. Peace be with you.

I cannot imagine what you are going through. I am sending you a warm hug and healing thoughts. Pretty useless I know, but it's all I got. Peace and healing, Ziggysmom.

But it’s a fear of mine, to lose my husband, so much of us is… us.

I hope you find a connection, somewhere - someone - some space - soon.

I had to literally teach myself to eat again.

My condolences. Sleep as much as you can. You’ve been through a lot.

Decide you want to live again. And do it!

Don't force yourself to "get over it" and anyone who tells you that is clueless. Ignore them!

Everyone grieves in a different way. Sometimes it lasts a lifetime and that is OK. Do not force yourself to "be normal". Do not be hard on yourself either. The process is sort of like "2 steps forward, one step back". Over time it will lessen but it may not seem like it. You will not be functioning normally and you shouldn't be. Don't expect too much from yourself. You'll forget common stuff, you'll be easily distracted, unable to focus, have small accidents, etc. That is normal. Eating, sleeping, everything will be different and this is expected. No matter what you lost (a friendship, a pet, a job, a home, etc) you will be experiencing physical and mental changes. It IS different from depression. Be kind to yourself and do not take on more than you can handle. Perhaps start keeping a journal of what you feel, what you miss, what you enjoy, how you have changed from one hour to the next, .....let it all out, it's good for you!



Grief can last a lifetime and everyone is different. Meryl Streep lost John Cazale in the 1970s and she said she does not want to forget the pain since it is a part of her and her life. She wants to keep the love as well as the pain. It is a part of her.

Give yourself a big break

My husband and I were married for 48 years when he suddenly died at 70. No sickness or medical problems, he was just gone when I came home from work one day. We had known each other since I was 17 and he was 19. He took me to my prom.

Lean on your friends. Accept the hugs and concern from your family, especially your kids. Grieve together. Let your neighbors help you. You will be surprised and moved to find how many people want to be there for you.

You are not alone.

Give yourself permission to cut yourself some slack. Take your time processing.

I never like to tell people what to do, or what works for me...but. I find that doing something productive to help others has rewards for my own psyche. But if that doesn't work for you, find whatever does.

I think there is balance to be found. If wallowing for a day or two is cathartic - go with it. Don't chastise yourself.

Do you have friends who listen? Who listen without trying to be the answers?

And most of all - take care of yourself.

We’re here for each other, to assert AND protect our rights. And best of all, it’s round-the-clock, with very few exceptions.

Here’s a hug:
(((((((((( * ))))))))))

Big hugs to you.

That said, he is still with you in heart and spirit ! And sometimes when you least expect it he’ll pay you a visit! I believe the body dies but the spirit hangs around and shows up when you least expect it!

something we hide or ignore.

Praying for peace and love to you all!

There are negative ions in the air that will calm you, that's science. Even if it's just to sit on the porch.

Other than that pick up a hobby that will make you get absorbed in something else and take those moments of peace.

Sending you lots of love, and hoping you can get some rest. Will be thinking of you.

with yourself. Your loss is barely a month old, the shock has barely had time to register, let alone wear off. It is extremely important to remember that each person grieves in their own way, there is no right or wrong, only what is yours. It is also important to remember that grieving is not a linear process, done stage by stage and done. You can circle and cycle through them at different times. For some reason, the funeral scene in "Steel Magnolias" helps some people.

Please also remember that your DU family is here for you. Lean as hard as you need. There is always someone here.

upon you. How I remember wanting to scream, “ If there is a light at the end of the tunnel, will someone please turn it on!” These first stretches of grief are double whammies taking both physical and mental tolls on your fragile self. Don’t look for something big; just get through the day; get through the night. Don’t hold back on those waves of ugly crying and sobbing. Your body needs that release. Eventually you will be able to expand your boundaries and little by little find your way forward. I lost my dear husband nine years ago and would be more than willing to be your sounding board and support. You can message me anytime. Sending you the gentlest of hugs dear heart. 🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷

Your grief. My wife died in January. As you grieve, look also for moments of gratitude to help smooth off the rough edges of your grief. 🙏☮️

I don't have a lot of advice. A few things that helped me. First, I have to answer the question who am I without her. Still working on that. Second, in terms of how I view her: I don't see her as a past memory, I don't see her as a future, I see her beside me. Everyday. I also look at grief as unexpressed love. I can live with that.

Last, I use the mantra "the only easy day, was yesterday."

I send you peace and strength.

Sending hugs. Please know your DU family is thinking of you.

Like with depression, people who tell you to get over it, or move on with your life, are totally clueless. They've obviously never experienced this kind of loss.

Just a few things to think about that helped me when I lost my big brother. He had been my hero, and best friend since I was little. I took back up two things that I used to do, and really enjoyed, but gotten away from. The first was oil painting. I turned out some dark subjects during that time, but it absorbed and calmed me.
The second thing--I started riding again. I came across a woman that boarded a horse right down the road from me, that she didn't have a lot of time for. Free lease. Very, very therapeutic, and I eventually bought my own horse. Animals are the best listeners in the world.
Finally, I started writing down everything I could remember about my brother in a little book. Many smiles through the tears.

What do you enjoy doing? Gardening? Walking? Spring is here. Love cats or dogs? Can you volunteer at a local shelter to do nothing but go in and pet needy, lonely animals. It can be so soothing for you and them.

I still grieve for my brother after 30 years, and now, the rest of my family that are gone. Holidays are pretty tough, and I still get depressed every year. DU is a life saver! I met my best friend, Duppers, on here many years ago. You always have friends here, day or night.

There is no time schedule for grieving. You need to move at your own pace, and try to take good care of yourself.

You mentioned being on medication, but are you in psychotherapy? It was an absolute must for me, as it is for millions of other people. Medication alone isn't enough to help you move forward.

Grieving is a long, slow process that doesn't necessarily move in a straight line. You will start having good days, then suddenly have a bad day that nearly knocks you to the floor. This is normal. It does eventually get better, but it can't be rushed, unfortunately.

Sending you a virtual hug!

I found quiet time, closed my eyes and cleared my thoughts. Then I spoke to my husband and walked him through what I felt guilty about (he suffered from hospital dementia and wanted to get out of the bed at the hospital. It was not safe and I tried to prevent him.). I also was questioning myself about what more I could have done (according to multiple Drs there wasn’t more, but that didn’t assuage my guilt.) After speaking to him aloud and calmly walking him through what occurred during his last 48 hours, still with my eyes closed, I felt all the guilt lift and felt his presence and his love. I continue to talk aloud to him and find it extremely comforting.

Sending you kind thoughts and comfort. DM me if you ever want to.

M

your bereavement is still fresh and you are correct, the constant barrage of bad news from here and around the word does not help

someone is always here on DU, we are here for you

There are on-line support groups, if you think those might help during what's left of the winter.

Have been ongoing regular conversations with the deceased, as they were such an important part of my life So I kept them near and dear by including them in my daily acts, and second, is doing very specific things to go or them. Things that they would have garnered great joy from or that we used to do together.

I talk to them to this day and it helps me get through those moments without trying to avoid them.

Were you being treated for those things prior to his death?

I know this may be somewhat controversial, but the last thing I wanted during the very worst of my pain and loss was medication. As deep as the loss is and as painful as it is to be in the midst of it, I also trust that I'm feeling everything that's normal in this moment and I've slowly and gradually gotten through parts of it by giving myself permission to be exactly where I am.

Those of us that have taken this journey, or are in the midst of it understand, empathize and share your loss.

I still say thank you often for those gifts I'm blessed enough to carry forward from them.

Trust. You.

My condolences on your loss, we all grieve in a manner that our bodies and souls dictate to us and there's never a "right" or "wrong" way to process it all (unless you are not getting the support you need).

I know that I was uplifted by the many messages or condolence and support I received here last week upon my father's passing.

"On Grief and Grieving" and "On Death and Dying" helped me understand some of the hidden dynamics of grief. A big part of grief is biological -- like puberty: you can't stop it but you can understand it. For me, grief could lift and then come back as quickly and unexpected as a sneeze. It's been years and it still does that once in a while.

My heart goes out to you. Hope you will take extra care of yourself.

We're here for you, and others have already offered some of the advice I would have. I'd especially recommend grief support groups, whether online or off, whichever you feel more comfortable with. They helped me through a year when I lost four loved ones.

The guilt you feel mixed with grief is something I believe is common for caregivers. Even if you did everything possible, and if everyone who knew the situation told you that you did everything possible, there's a tendency to feel that maybe you could have done something more. I searched for your older messages about the caregiving, and I believe you gave your husband the best possible care, and kept him at home as long as possible. You have no real reason to feel guilty, but you loved him and you couldn't keep him healthy forever, and the guilt is from not having been able to work a miracle to make him healthy again.

I have no idea what your beliefs about an afterlife might be. I'm not religious - left the Catholic Church I was raised in when I was a teenager, have never been tempted to follow any other religion. But one thing I found very comforting with grief support groups was hearing personal stories of experiences people there had had, experiences that convinced them our loved ones are still very much alive on the other side. That we all have reunions to look forward to.

There's a relaxation technique, originally developed to help with PTSD, that might help you sleep. I've used it for that sometimes. To me it feels like instant meditation.

You lost part of your life.
Now serious question - are you able to exercise?

Juat thinking is hard.

I console my self with the knowledge he's not here to suffer through our national night.

❤️

get rid of as much stuff as you can bear,, and get out of the house.

by the way, episodes of grief and guilt haunt all of us who have lost loved ones, which is everyone.

On BritBox. I was reminded that women of immediate family members who died would observe a year of official mourning, wearing black, to observe and by their dress, let others know of their loss.

Whatever we may think about customs and treatment of women in the 19th Century, there is something to be said for the recognition of the process of grief. Granted there were those who moved past their grief very quickly and were constrained by the societal expectation, but I think it's worth noting that Society offered the norm of a year to grieve openly.

Give yourself some time. There are lots of excellent suggestions in this thread about being gentle with yourself and taking time to adjust to life as it is now without your husband.

Hugs, my friend.

It helps to talk about it, and time will also help soothe the pain. I am sorry for what you're going through. I wish you all the best.

I am so, so, so sorry for your pain and empathize so very much. Widowed nearly six years here and every day I simply can't believe I'm having to live through times like these without him.

It's easy to say "be gentle with yourself" to someone and much harder to act upon that advice, especially when you have NO idea what normal even is anymore. Truth? Tere are just no words for what you're going through and I can't pretend there are, but please know that your DU family is holding you close.

and hugs.💙

I don't know if I got through my grief, or just live with it. I read your post when you made the decision to get the help for your husband that he needed. Admitting him to a care facility was a hard choice for you, but from what you described, it was the best choice. And his stay didn't go the way you thought it would. If you'd tried to help him at home, and things had gone the same way, would you feel the same guilt?

I often relive the life choices I made, all the way back to my childhood, and I second guess myself any time I think about my life. But here I am. My husband and I didn't live the ifs, and I'll never know whether the alternatives would make our reality different or better.

I hear many people talk about loneliness, but I don't think I get lonely. I don't take my loved ones for granted. They stay in touch, and maybe if they didn't, I'd notice that I'm alone.

People in general are getting used to the idea of instant gratification. Get it now. Give everything a timetable. Grief and loss don't work like that. They have their own schedule, and each of us endure it as we can. How long were you married? A relative, married almost 60 years, lost his wife last month. He said he couldn't believe she was gone. I said that after a lifetime, you can't just move past it.

Long ago, I read that deep grief, such as you describe, physically lasts about 6 months. If your physical symptoms last longer than that, you should seek help. This isn't to say your heart heals, or the memories bring more sadness than joy, but pay attention to what your body is doing.

Give yourself time. Lay down. Even if you don't sleep, you are resting. Keep food and drinks in your house that you like. Take a shower or a bath. Go outside. Even if you don't walk, just get some fresh air. Be nice to yourself.

Sending lifting thoughts.

I know the feeling of guilt. She had several small strokes (not TIAs) and I didn’t recognized them. She would mumble and then back to normal. It wasn’t until she lost control of her right side that I realized what was happening.

I feel for you and hope that your guilt and depression will lift. The feeling of guilt may not completely lift but ease. I had at least mild clinical depression that just got better a month ago. I wasn’t aware of it until it was better.

My husband is gone ten years now and I still remember the shock and grief of those first months. You never really get over it, but you do kind of get used to it. Cling tight to friends and family.

... all I can offer is my thought that you are putting up a great effort to stay ahead of it. I pray for your strength to hold up.

G*D bless you and keep you.

No simple solutions but I wish you well.

People don't understand how much losing a spouse changes everything in your life. And I was soooo angry - still am that my sweet husband was taken from me at 58 and so many evil people live on.

I forced myself to get out and go somewhere at least weekly. I also have dogs and cats that needed care so that helped. Exercise helped along with touching the earth...gardening, walking on the beach. I also set tasks for myself to complete and felt good about checking them off my list.

Keeping myself busy was my coping mechanism but that's just me.

I also joined a local FB widows group which helped tremendously.

Don't give up....

Everyone processes grief in different ways and in different time frames. Be gentle with yourself. It will take as long as it takes.

I wish you comfort and peace at this time of great loss.

or movie or memory. The awful part was that it was even too painful to talk to him without getting overly emotional, so I felt as if I had lost complete touch. Then something very odd happened and this is going to sound strange because it did to me at the time also. I read that everyone could have a spirit guide, a real person who had passed, who could help with communication if they accepted your request to have them as a spirit guide. I am a Christian and I am spiritual, but I just didn’t feel like I wanted religion to be a part of this process, so I asked a very personal favorite singer who I always felt a closeness to if he would consider being my spirit guide. You would know the name, he is very well known, but I won’t say it because it is kind of personal. But when I had a real desire to speak with my husband and I just couldn’t, I would speak with my spirit guide and I would feel so much better because I really felt like he was connecting us. When I had really rough times, oddly a song would come on seemingly out of nowhere where he was singing, and it really calmed me down. My daughter once remarked with a laugh how odd it was that everytime she and I got in the car or went to a restaurant, a song from this performer came on. It took a few years, but now it is easier for me to actually communicate in my mind with my hubby and feel his closeness. I guess we all deal differently, but I really needed some help and I really feel like my guide was there for me and still is.

When my doctor put me on the medications for depression and anxiety, it made matters worse. I just had a bad reaction to the drugs for some unknown reason and even started having suicidal thoughts induced by the drugs. Be careful and stay in close contact with your doctor.

Hospice was tremendously helpful, though. Get in touch with them if you haven't already.

It might help to just avoid the news and only watch puppy and cat videos on social media. The news will still be there when you feel better.

Hugs and peace to you.