He allegedly told the tide to come no further as a way of showing his obsequious courtiers that he did not have godlike powers.

Cnut was known to be a wise and conscientious ruler.

Trump, not so much.

Demand away, dickhead…

Seriously, if someone had presented this to me and said that Borowitz wrote it, I would have chuckled and said, "Another good one from Andy."

It is getting impossible to distinguish reality from satire.

Last time I filled up. $3.099 is more than $2.999 still, right?!? Or did he EO basic math also?

Else is fake news.

has 87 octane for 3.39 which I believe is about a .25
jump from last Friday. Meanwhile, the BP in Genoa City, WI
just across the state line has it for 2.99. This is according
to Gas Buddy which relies on reports from their users
so who knows?

Illinois regularly runs 25 to 40¢ higher per gallon, but we have, ya know, good county roads, great park districts, and other fancy stuff.

Since according to him the cost of oil has gone down…