I have terrible, terrible news for red America [View all]

I have terrible, terrible news for red America
https://www.sfgate.com/politics/article/terrible-news-red-america-2025-elections-21141006.php

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Here’s a news flash for red America. As a professional election analyst (I’m a middle-aged white man who owns khaki pants), I dug deep into Tuesday night’s election results and came to an astounding conclusion: Woke won. Democratic socialist(!!!) Zohran Mamdani won the mayoral race in New York City. Abigail Spanberger, who supports building more affordable housing (not in my backyard, lady!), romped to the governor’s mansion in Virginia. Mikie Sherrill, who wants to codify the abortion documents in the New Jersey Constitution (but the unborn children!), won that state’s governorship.

Everywhere you looked, woke or woke-adjacent candidates won big. Woke even kinda won in Kentucky somehow. Even more distressing, the state of Woke-ifornia just voted YES to a gerrymandering plan.

Nanny nanny boo boo, you eat dog doo.


Because Tuesday, amid the fiery embers of a self-immolating democracy, woke staged an electoral renaissance, and now it’s coming for you. Already, I bet you have a hellish, utopian vision of what America’s near future will look like. Money once used to fund Immigration and Customs Enforcement will now be used to give millennials free avocado toast. More public office positions will be held by people with names that are only hard to pronounce if you don’t spend 20 seconds learning how to pronounce them. Democratic representation will be granted to people this country usually treats like dirt. Poor people will be granted access to more affordable housing, and expanded mass transit will allow them to freely go anywhere they please, even your cul de sac in Almaden Valley! OMG PRONOUNS! You and your favorite racist podcaster thought that you’d saved this country from the tyranny of an expanded, gender-blind pronoun set. Well, guess what? Zey’re back! Zey’re all back! Now, no (suddenly and gorgeously remodeled) public bathroom will be safe from unassuming transgender people who just need to take a dump! Is nothing sacred in Donald Trump’s America anymore?!