Beware the Alabamafication of America! [View all]

"It can't happen here."

Warning! Satire! by Matt Mitchell

Ostrich: White Alabama Democrat added to endangered species list



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"In the early 1990s we would drive the back roads in places like Walker and Winston County and just count the Clinton/Gore campaign signs and bumper stickers. There weren't many, but they were there," recalled Ribble. "But last year we drove the same roads and found absolutely zero Hillary signs. Well, there was one, but it was being used for target practice."

Ribble and other wildlife officials believe the White Alabama Democrat still exists in rural areas, they have just been forced to blend in with the White Alabama Conservative that has overwhelmed their environment.

"I could stand the two different species side-by-side and most people wouldn't be able to tell the difference. To the untrained eye they appear completely identical," said Ribble. "That's why we're having to try new things to identify them, like playing a continuous loop of conservative political commentator Tomi Lahren from a set of loudspeakers. If forced to listen, the White Alabama Democrat's eye will start twitching uncontrollably within thirty seconds. It's remarkable."

Once officials believe they have located a White Alabama Democrat they move quickly to electronically tag the creature. Instead of inserting a microchip under the skin, each identified White Alabama Democrat is given a tracking device disguised as an NPR pledge drive coffee mug.

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