Diplomacy for Dummies: Duck and Cover Edition [View all]

What a fucking shitshow.

In the sprawling multiverse of human stupidity, a cosmic scrapbook of how in the hell our species made it past the invention of fire, we have produced disasters so iconic they deserve their own cautionary museum wing or at the very least a commemorative stamp. We invented the Segway, that six thousand dollar contraption bravely asking what if we recreated walking but made it embarrassing. We endured the movie Cats, which looked like the rejected outtakes of a furry orgy the director begged humanity to forget. And we somehow survived the Cold Shoulder Blouse epidemic of 2016, when shoulders were sultry, sleeves were tyranny, and fashion was basically like why are you looking at me bitch you’re the one still wearing patterned leggings to brunch.

We sat through the mullet revival. We brought perms back. We funded Ishtar. We greenlit Howard the Duck. We bought vibrating workout belts and Shake Weights because nothing says peak American decision making like strapping on a machine that humps your abdomen while you pump some kind of Buck Rogers looking dildo at the same time.

Then somebody decided it was a good idea to make a New Coke even though Old Coke was a perfectly good Coke and no one needed a New Coke, no one asked for a New Coke, no one drank New Coke, and then one day like a miracle there was no longer a New Coke at all. Only the Old Coke sitting there like a loyal ex who never understood why you left in the first place.

We live in a world where Carrie the Musical and the Star Wars Holiday Special existed in real life in front of real people with eyes and ears who were not, in fact, actual masochists. And we are talking about a species that not only knowingly but eagerly and excitedly consumed food products we knew with absolute certainty would give us anal leakage. Oprah told us to buy it and we obeyed like gastrointestinal disciples marching into Costco with purpose.

And yet somehow this twenty eight point, sure let’s pretend it’s a “peace plan” between Russia and Ukraine has managed to make all that shit look reasonable by comparison.

https://jojofromjerz.substack.com/p/diplomacy-for-dummies-duck-and-cover