Christ, I have to go to a wedding next weekend. [View all]

I knew it was coming, but I was thinking it was NEXT July, and I was thinking I'd be dead by then and I wouldn't have to go.

I have barely been out of the house in the past 5 years, and I thought I was all done with weddings.

I hardly put pants on. Seriously. I wear boxer briefs in the summer. I've spoken to people face to face while wearing boxer briefs and an untucked shirt, and no one knew the difference. I haven't been exactly right in the head since the pandemic.

Now I have to put CLOTHES on for the wedding.

It's causing a bit of tension here tonight.

"That's NEXT WEEK?????"

"Yes, I told you"

"I'm not fucking going"

"Oh yes you are, and you need a haircut before then".

"NO, I'm sick of this short hair and I was going to grow it long"

"You need a haircut"

"I'M NOT FUCKING GOING. I HAD THIS HAIR GROWING THING ALL PLANNED OUT AND..."

"YOU'RE GOING. I'M NOT GOING ALONE"

So I told her to bring the neighbor who she can't stand as a date instead.

I regretted that statement even before it came out of my mouth, but it came out anyway. Then it was off to the races.

"What exactly is your problem, you'll have a good time when you get there, you always complain about going to these things and you're always very charming once you get there and you have fun and blah blah blah"

"No I won't, and everyone there is going to be sloppy drunk like every other wedding, and I don't drink anymore"

'You're going"

"OK then, I'll eat 4 pot gummies before I go then. That's the only way I can tolerate all that bullshit small talk. Then we'll see if you ever want me to go to a wedding again"

"YOU'RE GOING"!

Then, something about me being "unreasonable".

Gotta figure out a way to get out of this.

Maybe I'll go in my boxer briefs.