The DU Lounge

Moostache

(10,682 posts)

53. I am afraid of my own medical destiny...

Tue Jul 8, 2025, 12:17 PM

Jul 8

I have watched my paternal grandmother and my father descend into healthy dementia - no debilitating injury or illness outside of a total loss of memory and independent functioning.

It hit me like a freight train last week when I went to visit my ailing father and he 100% could not recognize me for a solid 10 minutes. I sat with him and watchced as his expression was confusion, agitation and fear because I was there and had interrupted his routine, his coping mechanism and thus everything was irritanting and angering for him. My soul died a little more in those 10 minutes. I watched in horror and could not stop thinking in my own head - THIS, this horror or existing without teether, without access to memories, without ability to move about freely or even with intention - THIS is my future ending, IF I survive that long.

I am constantly doing the math in my head now. At age X, what was my dad able to do? my grandmother? When did they start to slide and fade? How much do / did they know while it was happening? I find myself in near panic attacks more recently when I forget a name or a fact - not that the memory is gone, but my ability to recall it has been lost temporarily. I can feel these events, but I don't know if its because I am living through it again with dad now or if it is premonition or just plain old fear.

I once feared outliving my money and ability to do take care of myself financially. I now fear (at least 1,000X more intensely) simply outliving my mind. I define my life by my ability to make rationale decisions and choices for myself. I hate myself for inventing reasons to skip a visit to my dad because the crushing reality of his condition makes me feel bad and scared and I can't find the strength in myself to overlook it or compartmentalize it and focus on spending time with him while I can. I feel cheated, robbed of those past lost chances when his mind and body allowed for real conversations and it tears me apart.

I fear dementia. And it is terrifying in a way that no other horror or fear has ever been for me.

Edit history

Please sign in to view edit histories.

Recommendations

1 members have recommended this reply (displayed in chronological order):

debm55

90 replies

= new reply since forum marked as read

Highlight:

As a child or an adult what are/were you afraid of ? I am afraid of clowns. Always was. I was always afraid of the [View all] debm55 Jul 8 OP

My parents were fundies. When I was taught about The Rapture that totally terrified me. Coventina Jul 8 #1

I am so sorry, that was done to you. So glad you recovered. debm55 Jul 8 #4

Awwww, {{{TINA}}} SheltieLover Jul 8 #11

Vampires EYESORE 9001 Jul 8 #2

Thank you very much. Usually those programs are on after 11: 30 on Saturday nights. I am sorry you saw that. debm55 Jul 8 #5

Oh, they showed horror films from the 50s every day EYESORE 9001 Jul 8 #10

I am so sorry for you. We had cartoons on after school. debm55 Jul 8 #24

Well...it's not like I couldn't have watched cartoons instead EYESORE 9001 Jul 8 #25

Closet door left slightly ajar in my bedroom at night.. sop Jul 8 #3

Oh that would be very scary. debm55 Jul 8 #6

I had one of those "scary closet doors as well" SheltieLover Jul 8 #12

I am glad you had parents that were aware of your fears. SheltieLover. debm55 Jul 8 #28

I'm glad, too, Deb. SheltieLover Jul 8 #31

My father until the night he died. no_hypocrisy Jul 8 #7

You know what no_hypocrisy. I could add my parents to my list of things I was scrared of. Love -no , Fear-yes. I had my debm55 Jul 8 #27

My heartfelt condolences debm55. no_hypocrisy Jul 8 #30

The very same things you were afraid of. MuseRider Jul 8 #8

I forgot the clown stuff.....same. MuseRider Jul 8 #13

I don't know why.they would do that. Bad parenting skills. is my guess. debm55 Jul 8 #23

I feel your pain my dear MuseRider. I really do. The bed was terrifying for me. So were the clowns. But my own family debm55 Jul 8 #33

Oh I can so identify. MuseRider Jul 8 #45

I am 70, My father is dead. did I cry, no. My mother and siblings still live together. Do I visit-no, Do I call no. debm55 Jul 8 #49

Kosmemophobia underpants Jul 8 #9

Thank you very much underpants. I never heard of that. It must be very scary for people with that condition. debm55 Jul 8 #22

Spiders, centipedes, anything creepy crawly. Diamond_Dog Jul 8 #14

Thank you Diamond_Dogs. I agree. And I would also add snakes. debm55 Jul 8 #19

Oh yes, definitely snakes! TY Deb. Diamond_Dog Jul 8 #50

This message was self-deleted by its author Grim Chieftain Jul 8 #66

When I was very young, my mother's old-fashioned wringer washer SheltieLover Jul 8 #15

Thank you very much SheltieLover. I can why you were scared.At the age of three, I did get my hand and arm up to the debm55 Jul 8 #16

OMG, Deb, that had to be terrifying! SheltieLover Jul 8 #17

Thank you SheltieLover. We had one of those furnaces too. I thought it was hell. debm55 Jul 8 #18

Yes, I suppose I thought it was a monster that would drag me to "hell." I din't realize at very young age that "hell" is SheltieLover Jul 8 #21

Thank you SheltieLover. debm55 Jul 8 #34

not me but my late mom ( name redacted ) , AllaN01Bear Jul 8 #20

I am so sorry that Scarey things happened to you and your mom. debm55 Jul 8 #35

The Chicken Heart That Ate New York LogDog75 Jul 8 #83

Cancer. CrispyQ Jul 8 #26

Thank you very much CrispyQ, Stil keep up with the mamograms --those can be very scary too. debm55 Jul 8 #36

Snakes be seeing them at the zoo or ChazII Jul 8 #29

thank you very much Chazil. I have a fear of snakes too. I know some are improtant to the environment but they still debm55 Jul 8 #37

Snakes. Still am. OLDMDDEM Jul 8 #32

Thank you OLDMDDEM, some fears are very stuck in our minds. I am scared of snakes too. debm55 Jul 8 #38

Mosquitoes and the basement Imalittleteapot Jul 8 #39

Thank you very much for posting your fears. mosquitoes can be scary. But the basement it the light at the bottom of the debm55 Jul 8 #40

I am night blind so was always terrified of the dark because I can't see anything in dark conditions. lark Jul 8 #41

That would be very scary to not communicate.and having a loss of control debm55 Jul 8 #42

Why do things that make you feel bad? lark Jul 8 #43

thank you lark. Very good question. debm55 Jul 8 #44

Also those things nearest to us as a child or adult are the things that frighten us the most and be hard to change in debm55 Jul 8 #47

That thing in the basement 2MuchNoise Jul 8 #46

Oh that is scary. We lived in a duplex. Bedrooms on second floor. bathroom in the basement. No light switch. Had to go debm55 Jul 8 #48

Oompa Loompas dlilafae Jul 8 #51

Thank you dlilafae. Yes they are scary. debm55 Jul 8 #54

Street cleaners sestina Jul 8 #52

So sorry sestina. They are scary. debm55 Jul 8 #57

I am afraid of my own medical destiny... Moostache Jul 8 #53

Be at piece my dear friend. I am 70 and there are times I forget what I went to the kitchen for, why I bought something debm55 Jul 8 #60

Please go see a neurologist who specializes in dementia, if you haven't already ms liberty Jul 8 #67

Grizzly Bears PikaBlue Jul 8 #55

So sorry PikaBlue. They are scary. debm55 Jul 8 #56

There have never been any grizzly bears where I've lived. PikaBlue Jul 8 #58

Thank you PikaBlue, you don't come across as a grizzly bear but as a rabbit or otter as a spirit animal. Love you. debm55 Jul 8 #62

Today I am the Grizzly PikaBlue Jul 8 #71

You have our prayers and thoughts for your daughter and the family. Stay strong, Grizzly. debm55 Jul 8 #73

Thank you! PikaBlue Jul 8 #75

Miller moths madamesilverspurs Jul 8 #59

Thank you very much for sharing with us, madamesilverspurs. I am glad you have found methods to get rid of them my debm55 Jul 8 #64

Huge waves on Lake Michigan catbyte Jul 8 #61

Thank you very much for sharing with us , my friend. Not being able to run away from danger is a way your debm55 Jul 8 #65

I was lucky, but I was also taught how to handle being caught in an undertow and also how to safely catbyte Jul 8 #68

This might sound weird, but Jilly_in_VA Jul 8 #63

Thank you Jilly_in_VA. Yes, I understand. Thank you for sharing with us. debm55 Jul 8 #78

Heights. As a baby I would scream and become hysterical if I was set up high ms liberty Jul 8 #69

Arachnophobia (no picture!) 🐭 justaprogressive Jul 8 #70

People being angry at me... 3catwoman3 Jul 8 #72

The dark/My own imagination Mad_Dem_X Jul 8 #74

This is a weird one. greatauntoftriplets Jul 8 #76

That is different. greatauntoftriplets, but as a child fears are all different. If you had an occasion where you knew debm55 Jul 8 #80

I don't recall my parents ever eating octopus or calimari. greatauntoftriplets Jul 8 #81

When I was a kid purple_haze Jul 8 #77

Thank you very much.I am glad you have gotten over that fear. And purple-haze, as long as you have love in your heard to debm55 Jul 8 #79

I had a nightmare about a tall skinny man with a pumpkin for his head. applegrove Jul 8 #82

Giant rats LogDog75 Jul 8 #84

The open ocean, heights and spiders all freak me out. Rizen Jul 8 #85

Mine is relatively minor and I got over it chowmama Jul 8 #86

I too had a monster under the bed. LudwigPastorius Jul 10 #87

thank you very much, LudwigPastorious. I think monsters under the bed is very common as is running away from a monster debm55 Jul 10 #90

Monster under the bed. One day I told him to leave. He did. DUU Jul 10 #88

Thank you very much, DUU, When my son was young. We filled a spray bottle with" monster spray" to do away with the debm55 Jul 10 #89