Tennessee

1. Cookeville is a town of 30,000 people roughly in the middle of the state of Tennessee.

Which means it's not totally bereft of shopping and dining, but it's just a little thin on boutiques and bistros.

2. There are two supermarkets in town. One is Walmart, the other is Food Lion. Food Lion is a good store.

3. If you need a big-city fix, I-40 runs just south of town. 80 miles to the west is Nashville. 100 miles to the east is Knoxville. Nashville is much more fun.

4, In small Southern towns, a very large part of the city's social life revolves around religion. I don't mean to alarm you, but "who is your husband and what does he do," "tell me about your kids" and "what church do you belong to" are the first three questions many people will ask when they meet you. Acceptable religions include Baptist, Pentecostal, and "Christian, not otherwise specified." Unacceptable religions include...well, pretty much anything else including "none."



5. This is banana pudding. It is the only acceptable dessert in the South. Vanilla wafers are supposed to be in it.



6. This is a country ham. It is part of the Holy Quaternity of Southern Cuisine beside barbecue, chicken and catfish. It does not need to be refrigerated until you cut it. Please try this because it is great. Please slice it thin like prosciutto because if you try eating a big ol' hunk of country ham between two slices of Wonder like you would regular ham, you'll think you're having a salt sandwich.

7. "Y'all" is an all-purpose form of address.

8. "Fixin' ta" means "going to."

9. "Grits" is singular. The proper way to eat grits is however in the hell you want. The proper way to cook grits is to go to a restaurant and order grits so you can see what they're supposed to look like when they're done, buy a bag of quick grits on your way home, then measure out 1/2 cup of grits and 1 cup of water per eater, put one shake of salt per cup in the water, boil the water, slowly add the grits with lots of stirring, turn the heat down to medium, and cook until it looks like the grits you got in the restaurant. DO NOT under any circumstance not stir your grits continually; they will lump-up in a heartbeat. It just takes a few minutes. That scene in My Cousin Vinny where Vinny impeaches a witness because he said it only takes him five minutes to cook his grits...well, that won't work anymore. Now that we have Quick Grits that have been parboiled at the factory and still have the proper grit flavor and texture, it really does only take five minutes to cook your grits.
9a. "Polenta" is Italian for grits. A quick, tasty, filling and nutritious meal can be prepared by cooking up a batch of grits to a little stiffer consistency than you normally would, spreading it out on a greased baking pan, baking at 350° for long enough to let it get firm, then slicing it, laying it on your plate and pouring a meaty spaghetti sauce over it.

10. If someone says "bless your heart" to you, figure out what made her say that and don't do it anymore.

11. If the weather lady forecasts so much as a single snowflake, immediately run to Food Lion and buy ten loaves of bread, 50 gallons of bottled water and twenty candles. Everyone else does.

12. Language lesson:
Study these two pictures.
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The object in picture one is a Grill. It is used for grilling. Things that can be grilled include hamburgers, steaks and chicken. It is a quick process over high heat.
The object in picture two is a Barbecue. Acceptable foods for barbecuing include entire hogs. It is a very slow process.

Please do not confuse these two terms. If you tell a Southerner you're fixin' to start barbecuing in just a few minutes and they should come over when they think it'll be ready...you'll see your guests tomorrow night.

13. Never tell a Southerner you are "going home." They will believe you are fixin' to die; most religious Southerners refer to Heaven as Home. If someone invites you to a "homegoing ceremony" be sure to wear black; everywhere else, this event is known as a funeral. The correct term for returning to the structure in which you live is "going to the house."

14. Please watch the Reverend James sequence in The Blues Brothers before going to church for the first time. Southerners actually do that.

15. "Tea" is served cold over ice, normally in a mason jar, and presweetened. "Hot tea" is served in a small china cup. "Unsweetened tea" is a communist plot.