Flip -flopping [View all]

My life has become much better since my separation and divorce during 2021. Suffice it to say that being brought up by an un-diagnosed mentally ill (volatile as HELL) Mother left me primed to accepting being yelled at, put down, and walking on eggshells. A year ago my younger sister just didn't let it go that I needed and could get another position where I work, away from a mentally abusive boss, and she was right, I started feeling like a valuable employee again which has lowered my stress, until November, the on and on like most people on DU, I'm sure.

My sister's 17 yr old daughter is on the Autism spectrum, she is a bright, artistically talented young woman but her numerous, co-current mental illnesses make her life very difficult, and she will probably never leave home. She is in a program that receives funding from Medicaid which has helped her to get therapies that have been wonderful for her. Her Mom is very worried about losing that, but she is terrified about the list being made of Autistic Americans and we are terrified of all three of us losing our mental health meds, for my niece it is VERY dangerous since she has been hospitalized for saying she wanted to kill herself in the past. And that septic tank of information, RFK, Jr has talked up "wellness camps" for people to come off mental health meds (and illegal drugs) for years.

Sister has been coming up with a way to escape to Canada that just might work, but called me hysterical that niece"s therapists won't even believe that her Medicaid funded program is in danger.

Sorry this is so long, but I sometimes crash mentally because I can't help her, then my mind flips to the idea/fact that I am a useless person anyway and that I could help them by killing myself so Sister could inherit my retirement and home. When this happens I want to cry because I don't want to die at all, but my OCD takes over and I obsess that it would be the only moral thing I could do, and at least make my life mean something. I am not obsessing on death today, but I still feel selfish for having a small bit for my future but I don't deserve it.

I am sorry this is so damn long.