Another day, Another waste of time. (Just where my mind is right now.) [View all]

I just sit here. I am now having issues with my hips from sitting. I have an injury on the bottom of my foot which has kept me from being as active as I want to be, Before than, it was my shoulder. Before than, it was a quad bypass. Before that, it was a bout of bad kidney stones.

I have lost pretty much all of my muscle tone and my ability to move like I used to. I cannot play instruments much anymore because of a combination of failing physical ability as well as the mental distress of even picking up an instrument anymore. It just reminds me that I am a failure.

We are soon to be in serous financial straits. There seems to be nothing I can do about it except try to get some life insurance and wait till the trial period is over so I can end this and at least give something back to the man who has given me so much.

My cynicism is getting much worse. It is difficult for me to not automatically go to the worst case scenario. My entire life has been a waste of time and effort. I have accomplished nothing that I wanted to in life. If I have helped anyone along the way, I have no way to know it. I don't want payback, I just want to see that I have made an impact, that I have helped someone for the better, that my presence in this reality has been a positive one. I see nothing that says this to me. Nothing.

The main thing is my appearance. See, I am missing just under half of my teeth. I had a poor person's partial, but I have lost more since then and cannot keep on making 'adjustments' to it. Now, this is basically cosmetic, as it could be pretty easily fixed. But, they want too much money (because people are still paying that amount it, so why should they stop?) and I have no way to get it. I am not a salesperson, nor am I 'charismatic'. When one adds my appearance (because looking like a model is the basis for any social interaction these days, it appears. Some people cannot even hide their disgust when they see me speak. To them, I must be a horrible person in every way because of my bad teeth. My position on the poverty scale is not a factor I guess. Nor is my depression, which made me ignore my teeth for decades. Why bother brushing when you are trying to die?), I must be Mammon himself. So, my attempts at finding work, or help or anything is constantly being thwarted by my appearance. The shallowness of this is partly a cause of my extreme cynicism, I guess. The fact that this (meaning our biased, greedy-ass society) all smacks of being done on purpose doesn't help.

I do not worry about my 'brand'. I couldn't care less about my 'social profile'. Those games do not interest me. I do not like anything pertaining to 'business' because 'business' totally destroyed my profession. I couldn't care less about selling anything. Yet, that is the basis of our modern society. It is all about greed. If you are not a greedy person by nature, then you don't stand a chance these days.

But, that is the only game these days. I am lost. I wish I were not. I have someone who I want to help more than anything, and yet I am sitting here with nothing, unable to do anything, and unable to remove myself from the equation.

I am so royally fucked. Everyone keep saying 'You have to want to help yourself.'. Yeah, well that is one of the main problems. I don't know how because I have mental health issues and that is part of it. Then, I have to listen to how 'mental health issues' are just another way to say 'lazy' and other 'wise words' from the masses. Of course, it might as well be. I cannot afford to get the help that I need, and that is by design. I cannot understand why I cannot get help, and that is because it makes no sense (other than financial because I cannot afford the proper help and they know it) to me.

This society is not the one I entered into, nor is it the one I envisioned. When a business goes in a direction that a person does not like, they leave that business. When person is opposed to other people that they just cannot find common ground with, they leave the group. When a person cannot survive in one location, they move to another one.

Why is my wanting to leave so much of a 'problem'? I just don't get it. Don't we want things to get better for everyone? My presence surely has been the opposite of that, and I feel there is evidence that my continued presence is actually detrimental to our society, mainly because none of my ideas or suggestions seem to be anything other than annoying to other people. Nothing I have ever done seems to matter to anyone. Only my ability to make someone else richer is of any interest to anyone (per being a 'warm body', nothing more). So, why remain?

I have no idea.

(Sorry about all of this, but I have no one else to talk to. This is not by choice, but it seems I cannot do anything about it. No one is interested in speaking to me. No one is interested in even being in the same room with me. I cannot explain it, so I guess I cannot figure out what to do about it. Well, other than the one thing that I should do about it.)