opened my mouth when i shouldn't have (and maybe i'm off base in my perceptions) [View all]

i'm pretty good at keeping my mouth shut, but sometimes it's just too much to ask of myself.

over the last few months or so, he's slipped back into the darkness. no interest in food, won't leave the house unless it's absolutely necessary, combativeness, sleep disruption, withdrawing from friends and family, sadness, anger, wishing for death.

i know what it looks like to me, i know what it looks like to other people who know him, but i'm not ever allowed to even suggest it. i get yelled at for even bringing it up.

right as we met, he blacked out while riding his bike and went face-first into the back of a parked car (yeah, he was drunk). smashed the shit out of himself and never went to the hospital. now he thinks (and not necessarily wrongly so) that his behavior and mood stem from a brain injury rather than a mental illness. but he won't even acknowledge that that dirty 'd' word might be a symptom of that injury, even implying that it might even exist in him results in more anger.

and i've been supportive of him. i've told him that i agree it's a possibility. i found the doc and made the appointment. i have never once poo-pooed the idea.

he says he gets angry at the mention of the 'd' word because it's because he has a brain injury, he has something physiologically wrong with him (you can guess what i say in response to that and how he reacts). but that anger existence before the tbi came into play and i pointed that out to him tonight. i asked him why he'd rather have a brain injury than be depressed. i asked him what was so awful about being depressed that it was worth meeting it with anger.

and, of course, i was met with more anger. and, of course, it was my own damn fault. but i'm at such a loss right now, it makes no sense to me. but it's not up to me to understand, it's up to me to deal with it, to do what i can for him and us (gotta start shopping for someone for us to see).

and i'm trying, i'm trying my damnedest. i know that it's not been a picnic for him lately, but i've cried more in the last two weeks than i have in the last six months. i have put up with a lot of bullshit and there's that part of me that feels i'm owed an explanation.

and i feel like i'm running out of people to talk to, my friends and family have all heard this story from me many times. that's why i'm here to word vomit. i know, it's totally a tldr, but i had to get it out. that's why i love you guys.