I'm really upset about onestepforward. [View all]

http://www.democraticunderground.com/10024941244

I've had too much of this.

In my own deepest darkest places the OCD always carries me through.

If I'm dead I can't do whatever I NEED TO DO, even if it's something trivial like picking hairs out of my face, feeding our dogs, or seeing that some minor open source software bug is fixed. The "must have to do this!" has always overcome the black hole of my empty place.

One of my childhood friends killed himself. He was a brilliant kid in an Alan Turing kind of way.

When I was in college a friend of a girlfriend tried to kill herself in my bathtub. She survived but I still have terrible nightmare doubts about my first response, nightmares last night, even though I broke open the bathroom door. I should've called the paramedics, but I called her girlfriend instead who did. OD young woman, I touched her, she was naked, I had to so she wouldn't drown.

And I've got worse personal history.

I'm in a complicated place.

My basic mentally healthy optimist place isn't so bad. I do believe I've got the proper meds and deep time optimistic outlook.

But some days are just hard and I have to push forward.