When suicide is used as a threat [View all]

I suspect this might cause some controversy here, but I need to discuss it with others who might possibly understand. I suffer from depression, anxiety, OCD and PTSD. I have had suicidal thoughts at times, although not recently. Years of therapy and medication have helped me. I grew up with a family member who would threaten to kill herself in order to manipulate others into giving her what she wanted. So when I have heard others say they were thinking of killing themselves, sometimes my first reaction is that of feeling threatened. I know that this is my own baggage, and does not reflect on the other person who is suffering enough to consider taking their own lives.

A bit of background: I grew up in an extended family - Mother, father, brother, grandmother, great aunt and great uncle. I am certain there was a lot of undiagnosed mental illness in the family. At least 3 of those family members (Dad, grandmother and great uncle) had substance abuse problems. Because of my Dad's alcoholism and inability to keep a job, my nuclear family (mother, father, brother and myself) could not survive financially without living with the older relatives. The older relatives probably could not have survived financially on their own either, with only one of them able to work, and the rest on social security.

My grandmother always disapproved of my parents' marriage, and kept trying to split them up. She always thought my Mom was not good enough for her son. She (grandmother) was the one who would threaten suicide if she did not get her way. Sometimes she would threaten to kill the rest of us by turning on the gas as we all slept. She would go on weeks-long hunger strikes in protest to some minor domestic decision my parents made that she didn't like. These decisions included things like buying a new kitchen appliance, or agreeing with doctors that one of the kids needed to have minor surgery. I was just a child, but I was led to believe that if I did not find a way to prevent her from doing as she threatened, it would be my fault if she or anyone else died as a result. This went on for years, until I reached age 11 or 12, when it dawned on me that she never actually did go through with any of these threats. I think this situation may have been the origin of my PTSD. She lived with my family from the day I was born until she died, shortly before I moved out at age 21. I grew up desperately wanting to fix these things, unaware until much later that it was never possible for me to do so.

All of this stress at such a young age affects how the brain develops. I am somewhat certain that this, along with the genetics of such a screwed up family, led to my own mental illness. Hearing of Robin Williams' suicide triggered me pretty badly this week. I had a good friend who was suicidal a few years back. The thing that kept me from reacting in a way that would be hurtful rather than helpful was my sadness at the thought of losing my best friend. I was able to give her a safe place to stay, and help her come back from the edge.

I hope this doesn't offend anyone. But I felt the need to bring it up in a forum where there might be some understanding, rather than the shame I have felt about this over the years.

~Rox