Hi this is my first time I've felt comfortable [View all]

about posting here.

One of my issues is that I feel the need to constantly apologize ... I’m a little wordy, so please bear with me (I’ve been on DU from 2005). I am from Canada (although born in London, UK) .

I was diagnosed with clinical depression around the summer of 2010. Although it came as a huge shock to me that I had clinical depression.

I think my symptoms started as early as 2008. Although I’m not 100% sure.

Around that time I used to get a slightly vague flu-like nausea. Just mild at first, I think it often went away. But it always came back, and then the occasional panic attack started. However, my panic attacks did not seem to be triggered by anything. I used to fight these panic attacks.

Now, I am normally a very level-headed person, so I understood what was happening ... they sent by blood pressure way way high, and then my blood pressure dropped fast, very fast.

They became more frequent, I tried to tell some people, at first they understood, but the attacks became more frequent. I had to slowly stop working (for obvious reasons). And then in early 2010 I had an attack that seemed to last for hours. I thought any second that death was going to be instant. If I fainted I don’t know. But somehow I wasn’t scared. I can’t explain it no normal fear, but something I had never felt before. It was like incredible pain, but it didn’t feel like pain. It was like nothing I knew or could relate to.

I did recover, and felt some relief, but I was very shaken. I returned to work about 3 weeks later, but I didn’t feel normal.

The nausea came back, this time far worse and around June 2010 I was preparing for work (I worked nights), and I had another huge attack, this time worse. I have never been quite “normal” since”.

I thought I had leukaemia or something so did my (much older) parents. They came over and picked us up, and we spent a week out there. I improved occasionally, but then it got worse. I felt disembodied, they thought I might get better, but I went through a period of some strange hell for two maybe three days. I couldn’t even walk properly.

My father was now seriously worried that I was dangerously ill (not mentally). By now I remember going to the GP. He started checking me out and he said I was fine, however I had the symptoms of clinical depression. He immediately put a sublimgual Ativan under my tongue and sat with me. He also started me on Lexipro (spelling? sorry).

It was horrible at first, but I came around after about 14 days, possibly more? It was like a miracle. Although I still needed a while to recover. My blood tests showed one strange anomaly: my sodium level was very, very low. Luckily my heart and circulation were good, and oddly my cholesterol levels were very low. I was asked if I had been drinking a lot of water, and I had been, a lot, with zero appetite.

I guess my electrolytes were low and that could have been a contributing factor. (If I’m sounding ridiculously self-analytical your right!)

I’ll try and cut to the chase: my libido all but vanished. However, I returned to work and later had a good 9 months (of relative normality.

But I was never the same. I talked far too much, I lost close friends. I became estranged from my partner. And then I thought I was normal again, except this time I felt fearless (quite literally), everything I learned thoughout my life seemed to be instantly available at my recall. The problem was much of what I knew was real (I have an unusual second job involving New York and words). Consequently when I knew things I wasn’t joking. I think some people found me interesting, gradually most people avoided me.

I thought I was better in late 2017 (I had been prescribed far too much Lexipro 30 mgs.

I started reducing slowly, I felt better and I publicly came out and said what was wrong wrong with me. Congratulations poured in on FaceBook. But this year, after all that, after feeling more confident.

I’m in crisis. Right now. As I post. I’m lapsing between joy and despair.

I’m not suicidal.

I’m not going to self harm.

I have a good doctor now, but I’m just not sure what I feel.

FYI: I’ve had some major oral surgery dental work done over the last couple of months, and I was prescribed Tramadol.

I was an idiot a fool, I know what Tramadol is. It worked great! At least I thought it did. I had assured my doctor that I’d be ultra cautious. And I was. But after 3 days zero sleep. It’s been like this for about 6 weeks. I’m up, down all over the place.

I was told by several friends that I was BSing. Losing trust again is heartbreaking.

I gave in two days ago and took a tiny, tiny amount. It helped, I sleep at odd hours now (Erratic hours). Some people know this now, and I’m definitely not happy.

I will sleep. In maybe an hour or two. So don’t be alarmed. I’m serious, please don’t!

I repeat I’m not in danger!

I have no idea how people here will respond. But I just had to say what I said.

Finally, I’m aware most want to remain anonymous (and I respect that). But, if you need to see exactly who I am please feel free to look at my DU profile (Including my real name. You can Google my name to see who I am if need be.

If anyone’s uncomfortable with what I’ve said, I apologize. And sincerely thank all of you who read this.

(My doctor okayed my gradual reduction. He is very good: there’s far more to this, I can’t possibly get everything across in a one post).

-Puzzler

(I am trying not to edit this too much! If you see me back on the forum I may seem quite rational, I can and probably will be. That’s a huge problem!!!)