Bereavement

I have found that letting shock take over kept me functioning at the survival level for each of my parents' deaths...2 years, for the first, my mother, and then I could let go and grieve. I don't recommend such a long period of shock, but I really didn't have a safe place or time for grief then.

It's now been two years since I lost my father, became an orphan and the oldest of the family, and I find that grief is now welling up on schedule (my schedule, yours may be longer or shorter). I have a sister to share with, that helps.

These are your available resources

1. the insulating property of shock in the grieving process

2. the protection of friends and family, if you have any trustworthy

3. the support of social service organizations, if you can find competent help locally (churches, clubs, counseling)

4. books, films, art of any kind, to dull the pain, ease the pain, distract from the pain, explain the pain....more input from the outside world, without actual human beings to muddy it up. Distilled help from the best of humanity, free of human meddling.

5. Time and reflection.

The breakthough I had this month was realizing that in fact my parents did love me, loved all their children, and did their best for us. Not everybody has that comfort. And I loved them, too, despite the lack of heart-to-heart communication, to the best of my ability. We are square. Having finally decided that was a great comfort, and gave me back my future.

It wasn't obvious to me, given the years of miscommunication and cross-purposes. Having finally convinced myself of that truth has given me a smooth, flat, stone foundation in my soul upon which to rebuild life.

I hope these reflections of mine can help you to survive, and eventually live fully again.

Above all, you must eat, sleep, work, and seek distraction. Let the grieving process proceed without any forcing or expectations. You aren't alone, and needn't be.