Bereavement

I learned a LOT about how poorly the military (and our society at large) prepare us for the inevitability of grief.

I learned, when speaking to my Soldiers (and others), that grief is not a mental illness, though it can sure *feel* like one, probably because every new grief -- even seemingly "insignificant" ones -- can reawaken any (or every) old grief. [How unfair is *that*?]

Furthermore, I came to recognize that tears are the mark of the courage and strength necessary to assault into an ambush of grief.

The military, by and large, still operates on the notion that the only correct response to grief is a) to shame the person who's grieving by b) telling personnel to "suck it up" and drive on. The problem here is manifold: "suck it up" tells warriors NOT to have situational awareness and to run away from a situation that's horrible beyond imagining. Talk about cognitive dissonance!

"Suck it up" actually *does* work, but its shelf-life is incredibly short: it's effective only as long as bullets are flying, the aircraft is in autorotation, the enemy is overwhelming our position, the MRAP has rolled over in a canal and people are about to drown, etc. In situations of imminent danger to life, bodily integrity, liberty, or core values, there's no other option. But as soon as the danger passes, "suck it up" as the SOP for dealing with grief pretty much guarantees that the grief is going to become toxic because it demands COWARDICE on the part of otherwise-courageous individuals.

I saw, first-hand, in Iraq (May, 2009) how one person's toxic grief can KILL OTHER PEOPLE. The perpetrator of the mass murder we had on Camp Liberty is still alive; five of his victims are dead.

Tears help us to avoid our grief from becoming toxic, precisely because they represent the courage and strength it takes to assault into an ambush of grief.

CountAllVotes, you are clearly very courageous and very strong. Thank you for sharing that courage and strength with me. Your post evinced tears in my eyes.

FWIW, consider yourself hugged.