Elder-caregivers

My old dad was very angry during his last few years because he was losing his stamina. He was another "tough guy" who wanted to take care of himself, etc.

He alienated me and others. It's hard to keep interacting with someone who is that verbally abusive--I know. He had been taking care of himself and my mom, and when he died rather suddenly, care for our mom fell to me and my brothers, and she lived 5 1/2 years beyond him with health troubles and mild dementia.

I would say: tell him you will do his shopping and banking whenever he wishes, but don't let yourself be drawn into doing more than you think you can handle. Be available but set reasonable limits. There are shopping services available in some areas, and Amazon has some food you can order.

If he is against any agency helping out, a bit of deception might work (I've heard it work with some seniors): enlist someone yourself, and then tell your dad that he is a "friend" who offered to help out. Someone who could lift the mom, or help with the household chores, or whatever. Once they know the person and trust them, it wouldn't be so bad when they find out who they work for.

My parents are gone now, but my mother in law is 92 and stubbornly refuses to move out of her little house. Fortunately she has four sons and a daughter who come regularly to make her home into an "assisted living" arrangement. But she should be around people her own age, because she is lonely. At some point moving is going to become a necessity.

It's tough, and it seems like once you learn to do this, your task is over. I'm glad to be able to offer a little bit of the insight I've gained.